Loosing someone is never easy. I've suffered quite a bit of loss in my 22 years on this earth, but nothing has ever ripped my heart to shreds as much as losing my grandpa.

See, my grandpa wasn't the usual grandpa that you saw on holidays and birthdays or maybe weekend visits. No, my grandpa was my father, my provider, my teacher, my delicious breakfast maker and my hero. He spent 15 years teaching me what it meant to be a good person, teaching me how to work hard for what I want, teaching me to be fair and honest, teaching me that I deserved the stars and the moon. He comforted me when I had nightmares, he encouraged me when my grades weren't as good as I wanted them to be, he supported me when I made my own decisions. My grandpa was the center of my world and the day I watched him take his last breath broke my soul.

I try to find comfort in knowing he can breathe and run and rejoice and not feel the pain that overcame him here on earth but I am selfish and I am heartbroken because no matter how much I tried to prepare myself, I couldn't. Knowing someone is dying does not help prepare you when you want nothing more than for them to just "bounce back" like they've done many times before.

I told you it was going to be okay, I told you I would be okay, but I don't feel okay at all. I feel lost, and empty. It almost isn't real at times. Life seems normal for a little while and then I realize you are gone and hits me all over again like a ton of bricks. I immediately think about your smile, and you're beautiful blue eyes and hearing you say "I love you too baby." I'd give anything to hear it again. But I can't and it hurts. It hurts to think that I'll never see what kind of reaction you would have had one day when I go to tell you I'm pregnant.

I know you were proud of me, I know you loved me, I know you would tell me to stop crying right now but I miss you so much. I want to be strong, just like you taught me, but I feel so week.

You gave me the best life I could have asked for (amongst all the chaos we couldn't control) and I am certainly who I am today because of you and Grandma.

I will try every day to be strong, and I will try every day to keep making you proud, but sometimes I'll break down and lose it because you taught me how to live, but not how to live without you.

-Heather Gray