I Survived A Suicide Attempt And I Don't Think Logan Paul Deserves The Hate He's Getting

I Survived A Suicide Attempt And I Don't Think Logan Paul Deserves The Hate He's Getting

A suicide attempt survivor's point of view on Logan Paul's discovery and vlog of the man found hanging in the woods.
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Logan Paul is a 22-year-old American Youtube sensation. His career originally began on Vine then spread to Youtube, Instagram, Twitter, and even the big screen. Most of his vlogs are light and funny. This one post, in particular, rose the hairs on viewers’ backs, and for good reason.

Logan recently posted a vlog that took place in the "suicide forest" of Aokigahara near Mt. Fuji, Japan, which is known as a place people commit suicide. Logan and his friends figured they’d be brave and go camping there and nothing would go wrong. When they arrived, they walked off-trail, about 100 yards from the main parking lot, and discovered a man who had hung himself. They had blurred out the face of the victim to protect his identity, respectfully, and suddenly the video took a serious turn. “Shit just got so real.” Paul says, in shock, as he explains to his fans that,

“Suicide is not a joke. Depression is not a joke... we just want you guys to know if any of you are going through shit, (everyone goes through their own shit), and we’re here for you guys... we care about you... all your friends and family love and care about you and suicide is never the answer.”

This vlog, made in good intention, caused a huge uprise in the YouTube community. More than 75,000 people have signed a petition to have his channel shut down. Others are cursing him out, disrespecting him in his own feed, and flat out freaking out. What these people seem to misunderstand, is that Paul experienced something traumatizing and wanted to alert the suicidal audience that it is never the answer, that people do care about them, and that there are other options. With as many people struggling as there are today, is that really so wrong?

I’m going to get a lot of hate for posting this, but I don’t think Logan Paul deserves all the negativity he is getting.

You all can hate on me instead for standing by him, but let me tell you why my opinion on this, specifically, matters.

Growing up, I never fit in anywhere. I wasn’t girly enough, pretty enough or athletic enough. At some point in time, my only friends were my parents and the many books I kept in my room. I faced middle school pretty much alone, which, as you all know, can be brutal and terrifying. In high school, I was a little more popular, but that lifestyle led to a whole new kind of pain.

I was brutally raped by my boyfriend, didn’t know how to tell my conservative parents — or anyone for that matter — and tried to deal with it alone, ended up blaming myself, and before I knew it, I was trying to take my own life.

He told me the world would be better off without me, and I believed him. I survived that attempt, and in my freshman year of college I was battling a severely abusive relationship and tried again because I never got the help I needed beforehand.

Suicide is NEVER the answer.

Yes, sometimes it feels like you are alone, yes, sometimes it feels like nothing will ever be OK anymore, and you fake a smile and no one sees through it, but at the same time, you’re so scared to say anything about it. I get that. I do. Sometimes, we just don’t want to be here anymore.

I understand why the idea of self-harm suddenly becomes glorified in your mind. It’s like you want to focus on something physical to let go of all the emotions for a while. Or even the sight of your own blood makes you realize you’re still alive. I understand why, in extreme cases, you think putting yourself out of your misery will solve all your problems. But it doesn’t. Take it from me.

I am one of the rare people who survived my attempts of suicide. I’m not going to traumatize anyone by saying how I tried to end my life, as I understand Paul may have done by releasing footage of a hanging man.

However, I will be first to tell you that in the instant between life and death, the moment that feels like your last breath, you will freak the f*ck out and suddenly regret everything.

Just before I went under, it hit me that I was going to die.

I didn’t feel a sense of relief that everything would finally be over, I felt excruciating pain and panic. And I realized I didn’t want to die. I realized that I had a full life ahead of me, and a purpose to fulfill; I didn’t want to die miserable and alone. I wanted to die happily, when I was supposed to die, after everything in my life had turned around and in that moment, I realized that if I waited a little longer, it would have turned around. That one day, I would have been OK. But in that moment, it was too late for me.

Obviously, I didn’t die. And I have never been so happy to be alive before that moment in time when I woke up and I realized I wasn’t dead. I woke up with complete strangers around me. Cops, doctors, psychologists, the school counselor. Someone found me passed out in my dorm and called 911. I’m not sure who, but if you are reading this, thank you.

To my surprise, these “strangers” cared about me so much, all they wanted to do was help me. No one wanted to hurt me or ridicule me or chastise me for wanting to die. They understood my pain and wanted to teach me how to cope with it, and they did help. They helped so much.

And today, instead of wanting to die, I’m chasing my dreams, deciding on happiness, and thriving.

I wish I had gotten that help beforehand. I wouldn’t have struggled nearly as much as I did. The sun would have come up so much quicker. So please, if anyone reading this today is struggling with themselves, you are free to reach out to me. You are free to reach out to your parents, your friends, your family, or places of worship. We all care about you. You are a human life so much more precious than you will ever understand, that despite what anyone tells you, no one wants to lose you. The world is not better off without you. In fact, something vital to the world around you will be so desperately missing. You won’t be helping anyone, and definitely not yourself, if you decide to do this.

So, I firmly stand by Logan Paul on his stance against suicide. I respect his ideas and opinions, as well as I would do the same for you.

Cover Image Credit: Logan Paul Vlogs

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An Open Letter To The Girl Trying To Get Healthy Again

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Dear girl trying to get back in shape,

I know it's hard. I know the hardest thing you may do all day is walk into the gym. I know how easy it is to want to give up and go eat Chicken McNuggets, but don't do it. I know it feels like you work so hard and get no where. I know how frustrating it is to see that person across the table from you eat a Big Mac every day while you eat your carrots and still be half of your size. I know that awful feeling where you don't want to go to the gym because you know how out of shape you are. Trust me, I know.

SEE ALSO: To The Girl Trying To Lose Weight In College

The important thing is you are doing something about it. I'm sure you get mad at yourself for letting your body get this out of shape, but life happens. You have made a huge accomplishment by not having a soda in over a month, and those small changes are huge. I understand how hard it is, I understand how frustrating it is to not see results and I understand why you want to give up. Being healthy and fit takes so much time. As much as I wish you could wake up the day after a good workout with the sixpack of your dreams, that just isn't the reality. If being healthy was easy, everyone would do it, and it wouldn't feel so good when you got there.

Remember how last January your resolution was to get back in the gym and get healthy again? Think about how incredible you would look right now if you would have stuck with it. The great thing is that you can start any time, and you can prove yourself wrong.

Tired of starting over? Then don't give up.

You are only as strong as your mind. You will get there one day. Just be patient and keep working.

Nothing worth having comes easy. If you want abs more than anything, and one day you woke up with them, it wouldn't be nearly as satisfying as watching your body get stronger.

Mental toughness is half the battle. If you think you are strong, and believe you are strong, you will be strong. Soon, when you look back on the struggle and these hard days, you will be so thankful you didn't give up.

Don't forget that weight is just a number. What is really important is how you feel, and that you like how you look. But girl, shout out to you for working on loving your body, because that shit is hard.

To the girl trying to get healthy again, I am so proud of you. It won't be easy, it will take time. But keep working out, eating right, and just be patient. You will be amazed with what your body is capable of doing.

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My Story As A Recovering Self-Harmer

Content warning: Self-harm.

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Since high school, I have physically and knowing self-harmed as a way to distract myself. It has been almost 7 years and right now I have only been a few months clean. In the past 7 years, I have relapsed more than a couple of times. I have gone months at a time and found myself at a breaking point.

I know it's nobody's business and it might be oversharing but this is meant for primary readers. For those who are going through recovery or just began today. If secondary or tertiary readers stumble upon this then I hope it helps you understand from the other side.

I am still recovering. The thing about addiction is that you can never fully be "cured." You can be clean for years and still relapse. The key is to decide to try again.

I call it an addiction because it was. I grabbed the razor before I could even understand why I was numb. I did it multiple times a day and sometimes I didn't need an actual reason.

It was a sort of ripple effect. I couldn't stop the ripples into turning into the next one and instead, I just watched as they spread. One second I was OK and the next I locked the door.

Some people smoke and some people drink. I hate the smell of smoke and can't stand the taste of alcohol but I often wish I could use those as a distraction for my distraction. I do many things now to distract myself from getting too close to another relapse. I let out a scream to alarm my family or I start running. The first few seconds of the attempt are the hardest. It's an internal pain that makes you itch inside out.

After a few minutes have passed I can usually begin to calm myself. I sit down and remind myself that everything is OK. It isn't always easy so calling a friend is always an option.

Sometimes I end up crying in order to release all the built-up emotions. When minutes have passed and I am still filled with tears I force myself to grab something to eat. I have realized that I can't cry and eat at the same time. I grab anything. Sometimes my siblings make me something instead.

I am seeking professional help for those who are wondering. I am almost half a year clean and I have two caring and supportive friends and a family who does their best to understand and support me.

Recovery is not easy when it comes to mental illness because the results aren't always visible like a broken bone. Any amount of self felt recovery is amazing. It's a step towards a better you. Talking to people and seeking professional help are all steps.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255

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