I Survived A Suicide Attempt And I Don't Think Logan Paul Deserves The Hate He's Getting

I Survived A Suicide Attempt And I Don't Think Logan Paul Deserves The Hate He's Getting

A suicide attempt survivor's point of view on Logan Paul's discovery and vlog of the man found hanging in the woods.

Logan Paul is a 22-year-old American Youtube sensation. His career originally began on Vine then spread to Youtube, Instagram, Twitter, and even the big screen. Most of his vlogs are light and funny. This one post, in particular, rose the hairs on viewers’ backs, and for good reason.

Logan recently posted a vlog that took place in the "suicide forest" of Aokigahara near Mt. Fuji, Japan, which is known as a place people commit suicide. Logan and his friends figured they’d be brave and go camping there and nothing would go wrong. When they arrived, they walked off-trail, about 100 yards from the main parking lot, and discovered a man who had hung himself. They had blurred out the face of the victim to protect his identity, respectfully, and suddenly the video took a serious turn. “Shit just got so real.” Paul says, in shock, as he explains to his fans that,

“Suicide is not a joke. Depression is not a joke... we just want you guys to know if any of you are going through shit, (everyone goes through their own shit), and we’re here for you guys... we care about you... all your friends and family love and care about you and suicide is never the answer.”

This vlog, made in good intention, caused a huge uprise in the YouTube community. More than 75,000 people have signed a petition to have his channel shut down. Others are cursing him out, disrespecting him in his own feed, and flat out freaking out. What these people seem to misunderstand, is that Paul experienced something traumatizing and wanted to alert the suicidal audience that it is never the answer, that people do care about them, and that there are other options. With as many people struggling as there are today, is that really so wrong?

I’m going to get a lot of hate for posting this, but I don’t think Logan Paul deserves all the negativity he is getting.

You all can hate on me instead for standing by him, but let me tell you why my opinion on this, specifically, matters.

Growing up, I never fit in anywhere. I wasn’t girly enough, pretty enough or athletic enough. At some point in time, my only friends were my parents and the many books I kept in my room. I faced middle school pretty much alone, which, as you all know, can be brutal and terrifying. In high school, I was a little more popular, but that lifestyle led to a whole new kind of pain.

I was brutally raped by my boyfriend, didn’t know how to tell my conservative parents — or anyone for that matter — and tried to deal with it alone, ended up blaming myself, and before I knew it, I was trying to take my own life.

He told me the world would be better off without me, and I believed him. I survived that attempt, and in my freshman year of college I was battling a severely abusive relationship and tried again because I never got the help I needed beforehand.

Suicide is NEVER the answer.

Yes, sometimes it feels like you are alone, yes, sometimes it feels like nothing will ever be OK anymore, and you fake a smile and no one sees through it, but at the same time, you’re so scared to say anything about it. I get that. I do. Sometimes, we just don’t want to be here anymore.

I understand why the idea of self-harm suddenly becomes glorified in your mind. It’s like you want to focus on something physical to let go of all the emotions for a while. Or even the sight of your own blood makes you realize you’re still alive. I understand why, in extreme cases, you think putting yourself out of your misery will solve all your problems. But it doesn’t. Take it from me.

I am one of the rare people who survived my attempts of suicide. I’m not going to traumatize anyone by saying how I tried to end my life, as I understand Paul may have done by releasing footage of a hanging man.

However, I will be first to tell you that in the instant between life and death, the moment that feels like your last breath, you will freak the f*ck out and suddenly regret everything.

Just before I went under, it hit me that I was going to die.

I didn’t feel a sense of relief that everything would finally be over, I felt excruciating pain and panic. And I realized I didn’t want to die. I realized that I had a full life ahead of me, and a purpose to fulfill; I didn’t want to die miserable and alone. I wanted to die happily, when I was supposed to die, after everything in my life had turned around and in that moment, I realized that if I waited a little longer, it would have turned around. That one day, I would have been OK. But in that moment, it was too late for me.

Obviously, I didn’t die. And I have never been so happy to be alive before that moment in time when I woke up and I realized I wasn’t dead. I woke up with complete strangers around me. Cops, doctors, psychologists, the school counselor. Someone found me passed out in my dorm and called 911. I’m not sure who, but if you are reading this, thank you.

To my surprise, these “strangers” cared about me so much, all they wanted to do was help me. No one wanted to hurt me or ridicule me or chastise me for wanting to die. They understood my pain and wanted to teach me how to cope with it, and they did help. They helped so much.

And today, instead of wanting to die, I’m chasing my dreams, deciding on happiness, and thriving.

I wish I had gotten that help beforehand. I wouldn’t have struggled nearly as much as I did. The sun would have come up so much quicker. So please, if anyone reading this today is struggling with themselves, you are free to reach out to me. You are free to reach out to your parents, your friends, your family, or places of worship. We all care about you. You are a human life so much more precious than you will ever understand, that despite what anyone tells you, no one wants to lose you. The world is not better off without you. In fact, something vital to the world around you will be so desperately missing. You won’t be helping anyone, and definitely not yourself, if you decide to do this.

So, I firmly stand by Logan Paul on his stance against suicide. I respect his ideas and opinions, as well as I would do the same for you.

Cover Image Credit: Logan Paul Vlogs

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Let's Talk About Suicide, For Tyler Hilinski's Sake

I, for one, am a basket case a lot of the time, and it’s OK if you are too.

Ah yes, the dreaded conversation about mental health.

Many of you have probably heard of Tyler Hilinski, a WSU football player and student who took his own life on January 16th, 2018.

So many people struggle with mental health — my friends, my family, my peers, myself. For something that so many people go through, it absolutely breaks my heart when people feel their only option is to end their life.

It’s times like these you see Twitter and Facebook flooded with messages about loving people and checking in on your friends. While these are great messages, they seem to fizzle out after a while.

It’s time we keep the conversation going and love the people around us even harder.

Depression, anxiety and other mental disorders are like cancer to the mind and soul. Cancer is a serious condition, so why do we so often brush mental health under the rug or just try to suck it up when it can be just as fatal?

If you are someone who is struggling with your mental health, please know you’re not alone and you aren’t crazy. You are allowed to not be OK, and you are allowed to put yourself first. If getting up and getting dressed is all you can do today, it’s OK. The best you can do is something you should be proud of because you are here.

Don’t talk yourself out of reaching out. “People have it worse than me,” is not an excuse to not get help. Your problems matter, no matter how big or small.

If you think someone you know is considering suicide or might be having a hard time, ask the hard questions. “Are you thinking about suicide?” “Are you hurting yourself?” “Do you need help?” Just ask them. It is so much easier to have this conversation with someone before you no longer have the opportunity.

Something I’ve been working on is saying how I really feel while I’m feeling it. No more “I’m good, you?” b.s. If I had the greatest day, I’ll tell you all about it. If I’m angry, I’ll be sure to let you know too.

Something my mom said to me during one of my I’m-so-pissed-off-and-sad phone calls that stuck with me was “You are allowed to let yourself feel, even if you seem like a basket case because you are human.”

I, for one, am a basket case a lot of the time, and it’s OK if you are too.

Cover Image Credit: Instagram |

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The Blue Whale Challenge Is Deadlier Than You Think

Meet the game that encourages children to commit suicide.

In the age of social media, it isn't uncommon to come across trends like the "Ice Bucket Challenge" or the "Mannequin Challenge." We often dismiss these as a fad, sometimes even partaking in the fun.

One challenge, however, managed to stay under the radar-- it's only evidence from first hand experience and personal stories from friends and family. The Blue Whale Challenge is a social media "game" that encourages children and teens to take their own lives.

The challenge (named for blue whales' tendency to beach themselves to die) first emerged in Russia in 2016. Philipp Budeikin, 21, claimed to have invented the game in 2013 in order to "cleanse society by pushing persons to suicide whom he deemed as having no value." He selected people he believed were weak and easy to manipulate. Budeikin had been expelled from his university beforehand, and said he invented the game for fun. In May 2016, he pled guilty to leading 17 teenage girls to take their lives.

How then, does the game work?

Game administrators -- or "curators" -- would reach out to potential participants of the deadly game through Instagram. First, they would ask their target if they wished to play a game. They would then explain the rules, threatening to find, injure and kill the target's family if they didn't follow directions.

Their targets would often be as young as eleven years old, an age group still struggling to figure out their own identity. This group of children were typically already suffering from depression or anxiety; they felt alone and misunderstood in the world. These curators offered a connection in their world.

The "game" consists of 50 challenges over the course of 50 games. They range from using a razor to carve "F57," waking up at 4:20a.m. to watch movies the curators send participants, to ultimately committing suicide. Each challenge requires photographic proof to the game administrator.

The problem with this game is the lack of evidence. Melissa Patton, mother to a 12-year-old girl who was drawn into the game, stumbled across pictures of the challenges in her "deleted" album during a phone search. She couldn't believe her daughter was playing such a deadly game. The only evidence police and parents have of this dangerous trend are the first-hand accounts of survivors and the photo evidence in their phones.

There is no evidence of conversations with these curators due to the conversations being deleted. The only real way to see what a curator says and exactly how the game is structured is to either a) be a part of the game or b) look on the dark web, neither of which is advisable.

Hashtags such as "#F57", "#bluewhalechallenge", "#i_am_whale", and "#curatorfindme" reveal those begging to play the game, hoping to catch the eye of a curator.

These disturbing messages are only the beginning of this tragic game. Pictures show people posting evidence of them fulfilling the challenges, begging for entry into the game.


Fortunately, social media platform Instagram has stepped up, offering support for its users experiencing depression and suicidal thoughts. The following message popped up after I searched "#bluewhalechallenge".


It's important for everyone, not just parents, to look out for trends like these. Starting a conversation with your child is the first step, but as Melissa Patton's story proved, regularly checking in on your child's phone and social media presence could save their life. Suffice to say this is worth whatever anger your child may direct at you. It is not an intrusion to make sure your child is mentally healthy.

If you are feeling depressed or full of anxiety, please know you aren't alone in the world. You are worthy, your life is important and you were put on this earth for a reason. Maybe you haven't discovered that reason yet, but that's part of the adventure of life!

Talk to someone; you can reach out to me if you want an ear. Just remember there are people in the world who do and will want to know you. This moment marks the rest of your life -- and it should be full!

You can call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255, or chat with them online if you feel more comfortable writing.

Choose to live, if not for yourself, then for someone else until you can live for yourself.

You are worth it.

Cover Image Credit: Stefano Pasqualin

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