It’s been a few weeks since Halloween and if you haven’t already come out of your candy coma, get ready to be fully awakened. I hope that you remembered to savor the chocolate goodies you received inside your parents' care packages, especially you freshman! By the time you’ve reached senior year, Mom and Dad may be sending Starburst packs (always lacking in the pink kind) and fruit cups. My first choice isn’t to taste the rainbow or shake those Laffy Taffy wrappers to get just a little bite. Like most, I go straight for the chocolate.
Dark, light, milk — chocolate is never something I savor. I don’t look at it with seldom sweetness and nibble. I’m the type to devour and inhale because I simply cannot save for later. I have no self control. I understand if none of you set a few pieces aside for the months to come. I sure as hell didn’t, but we should have!
Within the next five years there is to be a worldwide shortage of cocoa. For those of you who are still half asleep next to your wrappers, no more cocoa means no more chocolate.
I could write an intellectual article about how Professor David Guest, of the University of Sydney’s Department of Plant and Food Sciences, says West Africa is having political and social problems and they’re a major source of cocoa beans. Or we could discuss how pests and diseases from Indonesia are settling on beans before we can. That’ll teach you to cover your mouth when you cough.
Those are all important things but I’m no scientist, farmer, or rational. I would much rather get into the reality of the subject.
The only way I can cope with Shonda Rhimes and her scripts to kill off the most beloved characters on TV is with a bag of Reese’s by my side. Shame on all of us! How could this be happening?
To prepare the world for what is about to occur I have come up with 3 ways that a shortage in cocoa will ruin our lives as college students.
1. Buying and lying:
It’s been a few months since I first heard of the horrific news about cocoa. I have kept pretty cool but I have definitely had to reconsider what’s important in my relationship. After almost being caught in a pretty severe scheme, I realized I am slightly embarrassed of my actions. OK, relax: all I was doing was hiding behind the cabinets sneaking hidden salted caramel chocolates from my boyfriend. What? I didn’t want to share and he would have eaten the entire bag.
For chocolate lovers, this is a reasonable act — it will continue but we will all get caught. After we’re caught, chocolate in teeth, and he or she is upset, it’s going to lead to questioning about other things, like where the milk and cookies have really been going. But what else are we supposed to do? It’s going away and I’m not as selfless as I lead to believe. Chocolate is my real boyfriend. My solution, for now, is to teach my dog to play sick in hopes of a better excuse to where the goods have gone.
2. Valentine's Day, Shmalantine's Day!
Yes, flowers are wonderful, but they’re made to be received on holidays. That’s not true, but boys think it is. While it’s great to be surprised with bouquets of flowers from the grocery store, holidays don’t happen every day. Maybe you’ll get a rose here and there, maybe for New Year’s or Christmas but let’s be honest: your birthday and Valentine’s Day happen once a year. And if you’re really unlucky, they’re on the same day.
While the occasional gourmet boxes of heaven are typically given on holidays, there is no day that isn’t a wonderful day to receive chocolate. I mean, we’re simple girls and a Snickers will do. Monday through Sunday; you can never go wrong. The extinction of chocolate would be devastating to every day. Could you imagine what he would bring home instead? What can you really do with a Life Saver? If they were as true as their name, they’d turn brown and taste milky. Twizzlers? The peeling kind is the only relevant kind. Sour Patch Kids? You should probably just break up now.
3. It's your party and you're going to cry whether or not you want to:
“Mom, can I have a vanilla cake for my birthday?” Said no one ever. Sure, there are chocolate flavorings that exist. Mom could go buy a little tube of chocolate extract, but it’ll never be the real thing.
After everyone gets done singing the good ole happy birthday song, you make a wish and cut into a cake with drunk Barbie laying on top to find it’s vanilla; can you say you wouldn’t cry? My mom is the type to fight with the guy at the bakery until he gives up a few chocolate chips he’s smuggling from Indonesia to make me a cupcake. Let’s hope yours is too!
At the end of the day, none of us are going to cut back on our chocolate intake. While there doesn’t seem to be a promising solution to this saddening issue, there are other things to be thankful for. With the Thanksgiving holiday around the corner and this breaking news, let us be thankful. To the fact that cocoa beans do not contribute to photosynthesis and carbon dioxide that we need to survive, thank you. To the fact that we have five years before the actual end of cocoa, thank you. And to all of those people in the world who hate chocolate; I used to think you were insane to have such a feeling but now, I thank you!
