LOS ANGELES, CA - After finishing a light quinoa-based lunch in Beverly Hills, local software engineer Dale Jacobs was correcting an older man’s improper usage of gender pronouns on a facebook argument when he found himself ‘assailed’ by a local homeless woman, Rebecca Hetchinson.
“It’s not that I didn’t want to give her any money, it’s just that I only had a few $20s on me and, come on, I consider myself a generous person, but that’s just too much” insisted Jacobs, sipping an 8 oz acai-banana smoothie he had just paid $12 for. “Besides,” Jacobs continued, “I’m already donating that money to a charity for abandoned guinea pigs1.”
“It’s just that being reminded of these things makes me really uncomfortable” stated Jacobs. “It breaks my heart to see people like that so down on their luck in person.” Jacobs also expressed surprise at the woman’s presence in Beverly Hills specifically. “I didn’t know they had homeless people here, I thought they were only in places they film sad buzzfeed videos.”
Jacobs also noted that he didn’t like to give “cash” to the homeless, because “you never know what they’re going to spend it on.” “Last time I gave a homeless guy some cash, he said he was going to spend it on weed, which is ridiculous, because I wanted to spend that money on weed. I need it for my anxiety.”
The woman in question, Rebecca Hetchinson, differs slightly in her interpretation of the story. “I was just gonna ask him if he knew what time the next bus arrives, but before i could say anything, he insisted he ‘respected me as a human’ and muttered something about voting for Hillary before running away.”
1Author's note: Yes, this is a real thing.
