I didn't have an awful upbringing but it definitely wasn't the easiest. My parents both showed their love for me very differently but as I was learning in my Family Religion class is that even though I love my parents dearly they were both toxic. My mother having a little bit of everything from the different types of parents there are and my dad being an alcoholic.

First lets start with my mother.

For as long as I could remember my mom called me mean nasty names. I felt like I was never good enough. I felt like crap every single day because of the names my mom would call me. I was so tired of not being good enough I wanted to just end it all sometimes. Don't get me wrong my mom was financially supportive but never mentally and emotionally supportive.

I grew up with friends who were close to their moms and that's all I ever wanted growing up but I never got that. I always felt undeserving of that type of relationship with my mom. I spent a lot of time out of the house because she made me never want to be home. Sometimes I would park my car and take a nap just so I didn't have to be home and deal with all the screaming and constant feeling of not being good enough. Once Sophomore year came I got a job the minute I turned 16. I worked right after school to closing because again less time I had to spend at home. But usually right when I walked through the door after a long day of working and dealing with babies and preschoolers my mom would find something to yell at me about.

I started counting down the months until I could move out and when it got closer I started counting down the days. I thought our relationship would be strained forever.

But

Once I moved away for college we got closer, we talked more and got along more. I thought our relationship really could be fixed even though I had 18 years of hurt.

But then when I came home for winter break and it was not good. Once again our relationship strained. We got into a huge argument and I went back to college as soon as I could. We didn't talk for a very long time.

My sisters birthday was in February so I came home and we had one huge argument when I told her everything about how I felt growing up. To my surprise she apologized which is something she does not like doing so it was very unexpected but it felt good to finally to just get an apology. Ever since then we have been getting along and it has been really nice to have her involved in my life positively. She's been such a great support system. If you asked me a long time ago whether or not we would ever make it to this point the answer would be HELL NO.

But I am thankful we are finally getting along because I don't know what I would do without her right now with everything going on.

Now as for my dad... he's a different kind of toxic... he was an alcoholic.

I first want to say he was/is NEVER abusive. He would never lay a hand on any of us and we all know that and never feel unsafe.

My dad has always been an alcoholic all my life and still currently is. He only drinks a lot when he is super stressed or if there's something wrong going on in life. His mom died when he was just 16 years old. He had to take care of himself at a very young age because his dad was always taking care of his mom. Then his dad died at a young age in a car accident when my dad was in his 30's. This is where the alcoholism really spiked. He is either a happy/funny drunk or anything and everything ticks him off. We never knew what we were going to be dealing with. It was hard on all of us. Now that I am in college and moved out it has been nice. I didn't have to be around it all the time and constantly worry about my dads well-being even though sometimes I still wonder how he is doing. Don't get me wrong he was a good dad. He financially supported me and everything I wanted to do. The way he showed his love was through money. But again once I moved away for college things changed a little bit when it came to my relationship with him. He's still an alcoholic but he texts me more seeing how I'm doing or just texts me to tell me how much he loves me. I am very close to my dad and there's nothing that could ever change that.

In my Family Relationships class I learned that you tend to become your parents when you grow up and not that my parents are awful but I do not want to be like that when I grow up. I will not let how my parents acted/ are define who I am. I will not mount to the same lifestyle. I will not let them influence how I later down the road treat my kids. I want to be different and I want to break the long chain. I will be stronger and I will fight through it. I don't want to just shower my kids with money and I don't want to instantly scream at them and call them mean names when I am angry. That is not how I want to be as a parent because I know what it feels like to be on the other end.

If you have toxic parents you need to try and be the change too. Don't follow down the same path your parents are going down. It needs to stop with you and it is possible for you to do it if you try.