Some people call it a problem, I happen to call it a lifestyle. A lifestyle that, when I think about it, has changed the way I eat food in the best way possible. Now, I apologize if many of you were thinking you were going to read an article about some cute little cows and horses on a farm, but this "ranch" I was living on is a different kind of ranch. In fact, a more tasty type of ranch.
If you haven't already noticed, I am writing an article about salad dressing. But, listen, I am not the only person in this world with this obsession. Ranch dressing is taking over the world, slowly but surely, bottle by bottle. Here are eight reasons why ranch dressing is better than most things and some thoughts that run through the mind of someone who is obsessed with this beautiful dipping sauce.
1. Ranch dressing over everything.
Below is an approved list of foods that taste good with ranch:
No further comment.
2. Being prepared at all times.
There's that feeling you get when you get to a restaurant or someone's house who does not have ranch dressing within proximity, and how you just wish you had your own bottle of ranch dressing to carry around at all times. That way you would be ready for 24/7 intense ranch-dipping action. Being somewhere without your good pal, ranch, is kind of like being at a party without your best friend.
3. The looks.
All you ranch-lovers have gone through that awkward situation where you are hanging out with someone for the first time and get the look. As you dip your pizza and potato skins in ranch and proceed to eat it, they give you that weird look and watch you with a look of disgust, or as if you are like some animal trapped in a cage at the zoo.
4. Dealing with frustrations.
Me: Hi, can I have chicken and fries with a side of ranch?
Waiter: I'm sorry, we do not have ranch, but I will bring you some honey mustard for the inconvenience!
You fake smile, but really you are screaming internally because honey mustard solves no problems at all!
5. The betrayal.
You get a pain in your stomach when you pour caesar dressing onto your salad and out of the corner of your eye, you catch a glimpse at the ranch dressing bottle just looking at you, and you can just hear it saying, "I'm not mad, I am just disappointed."
No? Okay, maybe that is just me, or that does not even happen at all -- but just imagine how cute an angry and sassy ranch dressing bottle would be.
6. The heartbreak.
Me: Hi, I'd like a 10-piece chicken tender meal with fries, please.
Drive-thru worker: Would you like any dipping sauces with that?
Me: Ranch, please and thank you.
Drive-thru worker: Okay, that will cost an extra 72 cents.
Since when does true love cost an extra 72 cents?
7. The Judgement
You find yourself judging and comparing the quality of ranch dressing at every restaurant that you go to. By the way, Chili's Restaurant rates a solid 10 out 10.
8. The mysterious Hidden Valley.
No one can deny that Hidden Valley's ranch is the best of the best. All ranch-obsessed people have all wanted to visit Hidden Valley at least once in their life. Also, you know when you are obsessed with ranch when the Hidden Valley Ranch TV commercial has you feeling some type of way.
So, a message to all of my fellow ranch-lovers: keep doing what you are doing. To all of my friends who have yet to dip their life away in ranch, give it a try -- you will have no regrets. Although ranch may just look like a simple salad dressing that chills on the shelf in your fridge, there are some people out there asking themselves every day, "Who knew love could come in the form of a dipping sauce?"
