In my time on Odyssey, I have been transparent about my past abusive relationship with my best friend, a relationship that left me drained and in serious need of personal repair. The almost two years after that end have been really difficult, full of self-improvement and continual effort at moving on. However, moving on and moving forward are very different things, and there are days that are still hard.

Today was one of those days.

Living Ghost

You snuck up on me today,

Creeping in like a lengthening shadow,

Like the moon rising in the sky

While everyone is focused on the colors of the setting sun.

You grabbed me from behind with nails like claws

Instead of the ones you chewed to nubs,

Just like I still do.

You pulled me to your chest

The same way you pull a beloved stuffed animal to you,

The same way you used to hold me.

Your breath was on my ear,

And I have expected you to whisper reassurance there like you used to.

Instead, all I was left with

Was the taste of smoke in my lungs,

Leaving me struggling for breath

And fighting tears.

I haven’t seen your face outside of my nightmares in a year and a half

But those demons in my mind still remember every detail of you

From your lively eyes

To the curve of your smile,

Which only became glares and faked smiles,

Closer to a knife blade than a grin.

Reassurances to insults,

Then to

Silence.

I might have written so many articles about you,

Written you into every ugly metaphor I can think of

If only to make an attempt of shaking you loose.

I might have written a whole novel in seven months

In hopes of running from you

The same way you did from me when you boarded that plane.

But you’re my own living ghost,

Alive somewhere far away from me,

But always still just out of reach,

Lingering behind me like the monster in the basement,

The same way your tragedy was never more than a step behind you.

Today, you got me

But know that I will wake up tomorrow

Ready to walk with my back to your shadow.