I am a size 14 and I dance at least 8 hours a week. Sometimes, I need to force myself to look at myself in the mirror to check my alignment and technique, and because of this, I get caught up in how my I look. How my stomach protrudes from my leotard and how my tights get super sheer around my big thighs. I tell myself every day that no one is paying any attention to how I look in my leotard, but I don’t hear myself when I get distracted by my big arms when they’re in high fifth. The simplicity of just getting over it and focusing on the craft isn’t that easy when you feel all your weight crashing down when doing jumps in class. Being a self-conscious, plus size girl in dance class is incredibly difficult some days, but other days, I remind myself why I’m in class and why I’m working as hard as I am.

I’ve been self-conscious of my weight since I knew what being “fat” meant. It became an even bigger issue when I started performing. I wasn't ever a dancer. I did ballet and tap when I was a toddler but it never moved further from that. I started theatre while in elementary school, and I loved it. My least favorite days though, were days we learned dances. The people around me were slim, fit, and graceful. I was chubby, out of shape, and awkward. I was always a chubby kid. I’ve never been told “you’re so skinny!” or “look how thin you are!”, in fact, it’s usually the opposite. As I went through middle and high school I tried my best to get into shape and live up to the standards I made for myself. I had to be skinny and I needed to look like them. In high school, I participated in dance-heavy shows, such as Shrek: The Musical and The Producers. I started taking tap, modern, and technique classes. As badly as I wanted to continue, I wouldn't let myself be in a class with people so much better and prettier and skinnier than me. It wasn't until I was at my heaviest, a size 18, that I decided to make a change and dance to lose the weight I didn't need. I not only wasn't happy, I wasn't healthy. I did ballet every day for 3 months and lost a significant amount of weight and started to see a part of me that I never knew existed. I was more confident than I had been in my whole life.

However, my self-conscious behaviors haven’t totally left me, and maybe even increased upon moving to New York. I’m a plus size girl living day to day in leotards and tights, with nothing to cover the parts of my body I wish I could change. But, I’m not in dance class to stare at myself in the mirror wishing I looked different than I do. I’m in class to work and better myself. I stretch every day, work on my turns every day, rehearse every day for myself and my career, not for the acceptance of anyone else. So, what if I’m bigger than the average? I can work hard I can do well in my dance classes, my size doesn’t matter.

As a plus size girl in dance classes, I have to remind myself every day that it’s okay that I don’t look like everyone else. And it is, it’s okay! My size does not define my ability to perform or how well I dance or even my love for myself. I’ve learned over the years; I’m not built to be skinny. I’m healthy and strong, and I happen to be a size 14. I’m a plus size girl, and that’s okay. I have days where all I can see in the mirror is my insecurities, but the days I can see my turnout are the days I work the hardest. As a plus size girl in dance class, I will try my hardest each day to ignore the things I don’t like and focus on the reasons for being here. I love performing and I love my dance classes, so I refuse to let standards I set for myself a long time ago get in the way of what I love to do.

Maybe my confidence won't boost overnight, but as I go through my career at AMDA, I'm going to get better at loving myself and my body and what it can do.