Letting Go Of My Toxic Ex
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Letting Go Of My Toxic Ex

A longer journey than it should've been.

Letting Go Of My Toxic Ex
The Huffington Post

I dated you for nearly eight months. I knew you for about a year and a half. We spent four of our sixteen months not talking. We spent the other four months as friends.

We both seemingly moved on. I got a new girlfriend who made me happy. She gave me things you couldn't possibly give to me because you live five hours from me. I know it hurt you to see me move on with her. I think it hurt you so much that you went out trying to find something (or in this case, someone) to make you feel as whole as I did.

I think you wanted to try to hurt me. You wanted me to be jealous of your new significant other. The problem with this was you didn't want a relationship. You told me you weren't ready for that again and that you weren't actually interested in anyone you were talking to. You were solely talking to people to try to get to me.

The truth was that you made me sad. We'd gone through so much and you were purposefully trying to hurt me. I hadn't gotten with my girlfriend as some form of revenge. I truly care about her. It hurts and upsets me knowing you wanted revenge so badly on me that you'd consider getting into relationships you know you didn't want.

I'm not going to play the innocent card. We both were contributors to our relationship's failure. Maybe I tried too hard. Maybe I was too passive aggressive. Maybe I moved on too quickly.

I'm sorry I moved on: only because it hurt you. I'm not sorry that I left you though. I left someone who was toxic for me. I left someone who'd make me feel guilty and like it was all my fault at the end of our relationship. You failed to see my side of things. You failed to see that not all of it was my fault.

You act like I did everything to hurt you, but honestly, it was my way of coping. I had to cope with the fact that you and I couldn't be together. Not now, and probably not ever. I had to accept that my first love was not going to be my last. I had to realize that no matter how much I wanted you, I couldn't have you. I couldn't have you how I needed you.

Now this may sound dramatic, but you were my first love. You're the one who taught me what love feels like. But you also taught me what it's like for your heart to break over and over. You taught me what it's like to be on a roller coaster of a relationship. You taught me that despite your love for someone, you can still hurt them so much. You taught me that some people just can't stay in your life.

We had too much of a past. Staying friends was a bit of a ridiculous idea because we both knew we weren't going to get over one another while we were still in each other's lives. We both knew this, but tried anyway.

At the end of the day, I know you cringed at her name. You cringed when you asked about her. You didn't want to admit I'd found someone who could take your place. I'd told you no one ever could take your place, which to a certain extent, is true. No one will be my first love. No one will know me in exactly the way you did. But someone can take your spot in my heart. I'm sorry that it has to be this way. Trust me, if I could mend ties with you and NOT negatively effect myself mentally or physically, I would. But I can't.

Some people aren't meant to stay in your life. Some people are simply a lesson.

I would've always been there for you. I still will be, despite all that's happened. You're the one who cut me off, so that was your choice. At the end of the day, I know you were toxic for me. It didn't take a genius to see how unhealthy you were for me. I'd always go back to you. I wanted you even if you hurt me and weren't good for me. I would've done anything to be with you.

Unfortunately, you intensified my depression and anxiety. You caused several anxiety attacks. You were so toxic.

Don't get me wrong, I still love you as a person, but I'm so happy to be able to honestly say I no longer love you. I've finally gotten over the heartache. I've finally allowed myself to heal.

One of the last things you said to me was that you know you deserved better than how I treated you. I'm sorry I was always up and down with you. I couldn't figure out what I wanted or what I could handle. I wasn't always fair, but neither were you. Believe it or not, I deserve(d) better than you too. We clearly weren't meant to be, no matter how much we wanted to be.

I hope you remember the good memories. But if you don't, I guess that's your choice. I remember them. They don't make me smile anymore. I never thought I'd see the day I'd feel such resentment and disappointment in you.

Here I am. Still breathing. Still living. And yet, you're nowhere to be found.

Maybe some day, when we're older, we can be friends again. But if that's not in our cards, I want to say thank you. It was nice knowing you. You've taught me so much.

I hope you're doing well. I know I am.

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