An explanation of my first heartbreak. I wish nothing but love and happiness to the one. This isn't for them though, it's for me. This is my closure.
You inspired me to be better, to love with an open heart and be grateful for each day. I was often intrigued by how one person could completely change my world. There wasn't a day where I didn't think about you, your laugh, or everything that made you, you. You had the ability to brighten the darkest moments and care for me in a way that no one ever had before. You were my light in each day.
Although we were in a complicated situation, we made the best of it because that's who we were. We were aware of the sad reality of our future, but continued to love each other in the present. We weren't perfect, but everyday was filled with laughs, I love you's, simple conversation that meant the world. We both knew the connection we had was undeniably electric and special. The world around us disappeared when we were together.
Until one day when you disappeared.
Suddenly, everything we worked so hard to build came crashing down. The laugh's became sobbing and the I love you's became I don't love you anymore and I don't think I ever really did.Not only did I have to deal with being broken up with over text, but also with the heaviness that comes from someone saying "I thought it was real in the moment". As if what we had was one moment.
Flashback to a text I got at 4 am a couple weeks prior, "I think I'm falling in love with you". Fast forward two weeks later when my best friend received a text, "I'm falling in love with Abby". Two separate vulnerable moments that changed everything. I began realizing how real this was. And although, I was terrified of commitment and our future, I trusted you and believed you would never hurt me.
Who could have predicted that in less than two weeks, you would be taking back that vulnerable statement replacing it with "I never was". You changed that night. Once full of deep emotion now nothing but a shell of someone I used to know and love.
I was forced to accept that the person who dreamed of moving in with me suddenly thought I was toxic to their life. Someone who you cared so deeply for doesn't even want you near them anymore. And for what reason?
That question holds an answer that I will never get.
I know you had to do what was best for you. I understand that it was time to focus on yourself and the other relationships in your life. I know your feelings changed. But just because you don't want me anymore doesn't mean you never did. Telling me your feelings were never real and cutting me out of your life like I meant nothing to you, shattered my heart. You belittled our time together down to a single moment. A mistake. Those feelings may not have been real to you, but they were the most real thing I've ever felt.
But, someday I won't remember how you made me feel. I'll forget how you kissed me and how I spent countless nights begging for you to just talk to me. One day, I will stop dreaming of you coming back. I will become the empire I am supposed to be without you. I will build new dreams and I will accomplish all of them - on my own. I thank you for the light you brought into my life, but what I realized is that the light is still there without you. I wish the world for you because I know that's what you deserve. And I hope the next time you tell someone you're in love, you truly are.
