Years later and you still do not know that I carry a part of the pain that you put upon me that night. Walking through parking lots, walking anywhere at night, wanting to date a guy, and in some way throughout my day I am reminded of what happened. You had no idea how much you would influence my world, nor did you care. You did not know how hard the Title IX process would be for me. You did not know that I felt dead for months. I walked around in this numbness.
Telling my story over and over again, tears were a part of my makeup now. I lost a ton of weight because I was too exhausted from crying myself to sleep, and I didn't want to get up in the morning to face another day. Eating was the least of my worries. When it came to wanting to date a guy, all I could hear was your voice in the back of my head saying, "If you do not do this, no one will love you." Every time getting in a car with a guy, I could feel my stomach knot up. Trusting a guy again would not come easy. Trusting anyone again would not come easy.
You had no idea how much you changed my perspective on the world. I thank you, though. I thank you for making me fall to my knees so that I would be able to see the work of my Lord and Savior, who never ceases to love me and take care of me. My eyes were open to the courage I had gained. I did not give into Satan! I did not run from the Lord! I ran to Him! I am reminded of the song, "Forever Reign" by Hillsong United that says, "I am running to your arms."
I thank you for making me stronger and helping me to learn that I must guard my heart. I thank you for setting a perfect example of what kind of a guy I should not be with. I thank you for showing me how I hope to teach my sons and daughters that no means no. I thank you for letting me be able to be there for other girls and guys that are going through what I did. You thought you were using me, but Satan was using you to try and take me down. You did not know though that my God cannot be defeated, and I am a child of the one true King.
This month is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Every day we all walk around girls and guys of which we do not know their story. We do not know what they have been through. The girl walking quietly to class, who is shy and does not talk to anyone, you do not know what she has been through. The guy that gets roaring drunk to try and numb himself from this world, you do not know his story. We all have a story. Sexual assault survivors, be proud of who you are. Do not be ashamed. You are beautiful.
