Dear Me,
I'm writing this letter to you now for when you will need it the most. You haven't always seen things clearly, and you're feeling better now, but I know how much of a struggle it still is for you to be happy. You see it as a privilege, when it should be a right—it's a right for others, you know that—and you deserve it as much as anyone else.
You have the biggest guilt complex in the world, and you need to forgive yourself. Don't blame yourself for your depression; it's not a choice you make. You are loved; you always were even when you didn't see it. Not everything is your fault. (And not everything is about you.) Forgive yourself for failing to meet standards, your own and anyone else's. Forgive yourself for all the mistakes you have made. Forgive yourself for the people you've pushed away or lost. There is no reason to be sorry for existing. You haven't always had it easy. You grew up in low-income housing in a rich town, but you always had a home. You have a single mother, but probably received just as much love as anyone else. You know how fortunate you really are.
Remember what you do have in life and appreciate it: your family and friends, two paying jobs, your cats Carson and Lexicon. Think of all the people you have touched in life.
If you don't feel pretty enough, or smart enough, or fun enough, remember that you are worth something. Don't roll your eyes at me—you are. There will always be someone better than you, but that doesn't invalidate you. Different paths, different lives—don't compare yourself. Got it?
I bet you want to give up everything at this moment, call it quits, and fade away. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. You think you can't deal with life, but you can. You have before. If you're not scared of dying, then you are more than capable of facing life. Think of the people you'll hurt if you're gone. They will blame themselves for your death. You've already done too much harm to yourself, cutting yourself, even, on delicate parts like your face. You've put yourself down too many times. Try to love yourself.
There are so many reasons to live: macaroons and reading books like "The Ballad of the Sad Cafe," "Pale Fire," and "Crime and Punishment," watching fireworks, gift giving, and your cats, again (we both know how much you love them). There is no reason for you to die by your own hands. Everything may look dark now, but it's an illusion; there is light in your fear and it will guide you. You should be proud of yourself for getting through all those close calls. You always made sure to reach out to someone for help; remember to do it now, too. I'm here for you and so is everyone else around you. You are resilient and as beautiful as a wildflower. Remember that.
With much love,
Yourself
