Dear Little One,

I would never start this letter by telling you that it all turned out okay because it certainly did not. I would never tell you that it was a walk in the park because it certainly was not. I would never tell you that it has all turned into a dream come true because it still has not. I would never lie to you like that.

I would never tell you that at 13 years old you would stop cutting yourself. I would never tell you that you would stop taking small blades to your skin just to feel something else for a little while. I’m so sorry that you felt so alone. I wish I could have been there to hold you, to comfort you, but unfortunately we were both growing, learning and making mistakes in order to be better.

I will tell you that it was a bad habit that would continue on until senior year of college, but eventually you did it a bit less, your scars healed up, and you learned to cope. I will tell you that I am so proud that you finally realized that you’re better than that. I will tell you that one day you would be strong enough to talk about it.

At 15 years old I would never tell you that it ever stopped hurting to lose friends. I would never tell you that you stopped losing them. I would never tell you that it was your fault, though.

I will tell you that the people you lost were not meant to be there for the rest of your life. They came in and out of your life for reasons you may never know and that is okay. I will tell you that life goes on, and the people who are there will always be there. There are some people that have been with you since elementary school, some from high school, and others from work and college that have changed you for the better. Trust them. Hold onto them and never forget to call.

At 16 years old I would never tell you that your first love came and never left because he did. I would never tell you that the years it took to get over him were a waste of time because they weren’t.

I would tell you that eventually you would find a man who changed everything. You may not have seen it at first but let me tell you that when it hits you, you will know. He’ll make your heart smile for the first time in ages and make you want to wake up every single day. He’ll make your soul sing and make you feel whole again. There will be a time when you didn’t know if you could make it work, but then it did and you just know that he is the person you want to wake up to every single day. When you realize this, your entire life will change. Don’t forget to tell him you love him every single day and never go to bed angry.

At 18 I would never tell you how hard it was to make it to this point. I would never tell you that you made it into every single college. I would never tell you that the stress of your mental illness and your perfectionist tendencies didn’t make you break because they did. You broke. You were broken for such a long time and I wish I could have been there to carry you. You deserved a break, you deserved a lot of things but unfortunately, life works in mysterious ways. I would never tell you that it got easier because it did not but you are such a warrior. You would not believe how much you grew.

I will tell you that you made it to college. You made it out of Staten Island, the dream you always had for yourself. I will tell you that your first year of college you had an experience that will forever change the way you look at yourself and make you hate yourself for years after, but we’ll save that for another letter when you can tell the story without tears swelling in your eyes and an aching hole in your heart.

I will tell you that once again you survived. I will tell you that you were finally diagnosed and finally your feelings started to make some sense. You finally could take the blame off yourself You fianally left and transferred to a new school. You will eventually graduate. You will experience more hardships that will test yourself and your relationships with others but still you survived. You survived long enough to write these words down. You learned to live and love yourself. Like I said before, I would never lie to you.

I will tell you that I am so sorry for not being there for you, but as you grow older you will become the person you needed when you were younger. I am so proud of who you have become.

I will tell you that I love you more than you could ever know.

Love,

Kristen