It's been four years. Four years ago I lost my mother, the most important person in the world to me. My life revolved around yours and the thought of losing you was always terrifying to me. Four years ago on November 23rd, my worst nightmare came true. It was the day after Thanksgiving that year and the term Black Friday had never felt more accurate. Since that day my life has felt like it was in pieces, and even though I've been able to do my best to move on, something still feels like it's missing.
The way people react when I tell them that you died is always so awkward. I mean, nobody really expects someone that's twenty-two years old to have lost a parent. And when the subject comes up, it seems like no one knows how to respond to the information that I don't have one of my parents anymore. The response tends to be a mixture of pity and not knowing what to say other than "I'm sorry". My response to this is equally as awkward as I say "It's okay", or "Thanks". The reality is I don't know what to say. Talking about losing you is always an awkward and uncomfortable subject. It's like, if I talk about your death it isn't as hard, but the second anyone else brings it up I want the subject to change. It's like a trigger for me to hear other people talk about it. It leaves me anxious and depressed, even if Daddy is the one talking about that night. Actually it's the worst when he talks about that night. It's a subject I don't like.
Once people find out you passed away it's like I'm wearing this big scarlet letter. I'm the girl with a dead mom. That is how I feel people perceive me once they know, so when I bring it up, I try to rush through it in a conversation. My hope is that the person I'm talking to will either not realize what I said or choose to ignore it when they see me trying to move past the subject. This plan never really works, there's always that sad, shocked look on the face of the person I'm talking to. It's like a curse.
There are people that make the topic bearable in my life, people that even though I still see that look on their face, they still try to say more than that they're sorry. They let me know they're there for me during this difficult time of year and I know that I can trust them. These are the people that I am most comfortable around.
Over the last four years, my life has been difficult. So for the anniversary of your passing, I wanted to write this to you. I wanted to write down where you can see, because I believe you watch over me every day, just what it's like to live without you. Life isn't complete without you here, but I know you're in a much better place and I know I'll see you again one day.
I love you Mommy,
Tara
