Dear B,
First off, I miss you terribly, but not in an ‘I miss my best friend who moved away’ or ‘I miss my cat now that I’m at college’ sort of way. These absences resemble small changes to the reality we accustom ourselves to. While changing hairstyles or leaving town for a little while causes us to miss the past, these gaps remain ultimately insignificant because they are only small pieces of a large and complex puzzle.
Losing you wasn’t like that. When we parted, I started a new chapter, with a completely different set a people, surroundings, and routines.
Those who have not experienced what we have treated our returns as homecomings- the “you’re back!” comments repeated as I was re-introduced to those from my life before you- but little did these old friends know they were not talking to the same person who left abruptly months before.
We watched each other change. When the confusion of not recognizing the reflection in the mirror hit, we provided each other with assurance.
Some believe birthmarks represent scars from past lives, surviving reincarnation and manifesting on an individual as they start new, almost like the person’s unique combination of DNA and baby skin yearns for some of its old self. You’re my past life scar. That’s what I mean when I say I miss you.
When we met, you asked me about the strange shows my best friend used to watch when we were younger. You read the same books she does. Your concerns never included the opinions of others, just like hers. Maybe these similarities are what made me so feel comfortable around you.
December 31st was a tough day- I kept thinking of my friends back home and how much fun they must be having in each other’s company. Even though you went to sleep early on New Year’s Eve, the knowledge that the friendly girl who likes the same TV shows as Ronners was only a room away made watching the ball drop without company seem a little less lonely.
Remember surfing the depts of the internet for hours trying to find uploaded videos of our favorite musical, and burning them onto DVDs when we came across the low quality footage taken on an audience member’s phone? We yelled at your computer when the screen momentarily went blank in the film maker’s attempt to hide their crime from vendors patrolling the auditorium rows.
Oh, B, never have I ever met someone with a heart a full as yours- as someone who lacks sensitivity, yours shocked me at times. I genuinely thought you were hurt when tears flooded your eyes during the musical's closing number- but you weren’t sad, you were moved.
I’d never seen anyone show that kind of vulnerability before.
I miss being around someone who gets it- someone who gets me. It’s truly crazy how we came from such different backgrounds and seemed like polar opposites at first glance, yet we are still so similar, B. When you cried I felt the chill of your tears- I understood. I understand.
Remember that night we squeezed on the seat meant for one and made the most of the g-rated entertainment the younger boy chose? I can’t recall the specifics of the jokes we made, but I remember gripping the cramp in my stomach from laughing too hard. Thank you for showing me how to laugh again.
I heard you were accepted to college and found the means to attend this year. That’s amazing, B, a mind like yours deserves to be developed. I guess our post breakfast physics sessions and peer essay editing paid off, huh? I hope you continue to study hard. Change your family’s path, show them the doors an education can open.
Earn enough money to buy a phone one day, and call me when you do. I can’t wait to hear from you again.
With love,
Your roommate, study buddy, confidant, and forever friend
