You,
I plucked up my courage and told you my feelings, and you rejected me … gently.
You could probably tell that I was screaming internally when I confessed, my voice cracking ever so embarrassingly and painfully when I told you, indeed a side effect of me being on the verge of crying from nervousness. It was incredibly worse than those times we had talked, and I stammered when you smiled kindly at me, encouraging me to speak.
Dammit, don’t smile like that. Please, it hurts my poor little heart.
There’s this thing about your smile that makes me so nervous and giddy, my cheeks flush and my hands sweat profusely in an instant. What is it about your rare, glittering and princely smile that makes me so shy?
Oh wait … I guess that’s it. Those few times I get to see it directed at me are so precious, the shine of it chipping away at my weak heart.
Your pitying smile on that day broke my weakened heart in two upon the sight of it, tearing down the wall of courage that I had built up that weekend when I rehearsed what to say to you. Over and over again I had practiced my lines in my head, creating different scenarios of your reaction to practice to; losing sleep a few nights due to the stress crying I myself alone had caused. I was so emotional that week, and it makes me cringe just thinking about it.
All of the practices could never have prepared me for what actually happened, just like how all of the practices an actor goes through doesn’t prepare them for the audience’s reaction during the actual performance.
I had gotten myself so hyped up that day, ready to face you in person and tell you, foregoing the barrier of a cell phone. I had to see your face, your most natural reaction. Through text, you have too much time to think of an answer. I didn’t want a well thought out response. I wanted the truth.
Unfortunately, that’s what you gave me.
The confession slipped out of my lips too quickly for my liking. The words weren't what I had practiced those dreadful nights. I vaguely remember what I said, because my ears were ringing, but you got it. I watched as your face initially showed shock … then understanding as you processed my words … then that pitying smile that is now burned in my memories.
“I’m sorry … I’m not ready for a relationship right now.”
No…
“Thank you so much for telling me in person; that takes so much courage.”
I know it does! Why are you rejecting me, then?
I really wanted to yell at you! Kick and scream like a toddler, because I wanted your heart too. I like you so much and I told you! Why won’t you like me back?
An awkward silence soon followed, and tears burned at my eyes. Clearing my throat, I nodded in understanding, knowing I couldn’t force my feelings on you. I forced my tears to dry and focused on the situation at hand.
“Can we still be friends?” I asked timidly, ignoring the crack of my voice. You looked at me with that stupid princely smile of yours, and I could feel myself dying on the inside.
“Of course! Please don’t change how you act around me.”
Oh, that was a stab at my crumbling heart. Why would you say that? It’s hard to act normal after being rejected by your crush. There was so much pain flowing through me at that moment that I could feel myself going numb. We had an awkward conversation thereafter about your lab reports and my tests, my brain focusing on keeping my tears in rather than the words; but you probably noticed that too, didn’t you?
Thankfully, the painful interaction ended and I finally saw freedom. My mind raced to formulate the quickest path back to the safety of my dorm room.
Unfortunately, you had a different plan. With so much grace and ease that it hurt me even more, you pulled me into a tight hug. I bet you could feel my arms shaking around you from the effort to withhold my tears for just a little longer.
How was this so easy for you? Am I that insignificant? Are my feelings that insignificant?
Once the hug ended and you yet again thanked me for telling you in person, we separated. I walked calmly to my dorm, my mind blank and my body numb.
Why was it so easy to hold in the tears? Was I in shock or was I just naturally composed? How did I smile normally when I passed by my friend in the hall?
The answer came to me when my roommate bid me goodbye and left our room, shutting the door securely behind her.
I had never cried so hard, or felt so much sadness ripping through me all at once, before in my life. The tears seared my skin as they fell onto the smooth wood of my desk. I cried one of those devastated, sobbing cries that just got worse with time, and struggled to maintain a normal breathing pattern.
The worst part about it was that all I could think about was your stupid gentle smile.
Pathetically,
Me
