Disclaimer: the words in italics are my thoughts and prayers from personal prayer journal.
God, I know you love me as I am. You have always heard me when I pray and when I cry. You have never turned me away. You have always sought me when I strayed. Your love overwhelms my heart and my soul. Your love and grace is the reason why I live and sing. Let my lips and words be for your praise all of my life. You loved me as I am, but you love me too much to leave me that way. Glory to you, God!
God, you know before I even say it, I am struggling. I find it hard to believe that there is a man on earth right now who will love me like Jesus. I'm afraid that when he sees the very worst of me that he will run away. How can a man love me like you do? Is there an imperfect man who will want to know me like you do, or even try to know me like that? I am still so insecure. I am not insecure of your love for me, because I know that nothing can ever separate me from your love in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:35-39).
But I am insecure of my future husband's love for me; that he will not love every part of me. God, this fear is not from you, (2 Timothy 1:7), there is no fear in your perfect love (1 John 4:18).
You use marriage for good and to do an incredible work in us, but I will never know if I am afraid to let a guy love me. I've witnessed several godly men and women come together in marriage. Thank you for allowing me to witness those commitments. It's beautiful how their love displays the gospel, (Ephesians 5:22-33). You've shown me more of your unconditional love and grace through those marriages. Will I get to experience your love through marriage? Is that the next stage of life you have for me to know your love more deeply? If yes, when? Will it be within a year after graduation? Will it be 5, 10, 20 years? Will I live overseas first? Will my husband be here or over there? Would he go with me? I've never faced these questions before, and honestly, it scares me. I thought my pursuit of "learning to be content" (Philippians 4:11-12) was my calling for a life of singleness. Why do I have these desires for marriage now? God, I am confused.
Maybe my journey of finding contentment had more to do with being satisfied in my relationship with God, no matter my circumstances, than it was about my singleness, (Psalms 63:1,3,5). Maybe learning to be content is a lesson in every life stage as God works in us to be complete in Christ Jesus. Then that means contentment is not the end of our journey but a tool God uses throughout our life, in every circumstance and life stage, in his chiseling to make us complete. Contentment is God's tool, completion is his goal; to know God and to be like him.
"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith--that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead." (Philippians 3:7-10)
"Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own." (Philippians 3:12)
Contentment is not just in one life stage. It is not something we obtain once in order to move onto to something better. Paul wrote the book of Philippians in prison for doing nothing lawfully wrong. He went through so much hardship and persecution for preaching the gospel. He knows what it's like to have abundance and to have nothing, and yet he said he was content in all of those circumstances.
Learning to be content is choosing to trust God even when you don't understand him or see his goodness, or choosing to be content with what you have whether It's in abundance or nothing. Being content means trusting God to provide for all of your needs because he has supplied your most important need of salvation and eternal peace with him through Christ Jesus. Being content with whatever circumstance I'm in because I trust God has me there for HIS GOOD, which is ultimately for my good; to be made into the full image of Christ. (Ephesians 4:13)
God, I still need you.
I need you for everything. I need you because without you I am lost with no direction, and I am a coward. Without you I have no wisdom to make decisions or know how to love people. Without you I am afraid of change and to be loved by others. I need you every day, every second, and every minute of my life. My life is empty without you.
Use me God.
Use everything you've given me and will give me to further your kingdom; your name and renown throughout the world. Continue to use me in my singleness, and teach me to trust you in marriage. Help me to learn contentment in everything; whether single or married, hungry or full, healthy or sick, rich or poor.
I don't feel adequate to be a wife, but I also didn't feel adequate to share the gospel overseas, to go to college, to be a leader or a teacher, and you still chose to use me because I was willing You equipped and used me for things I couldn't imagine myself doing. (Ephesians 3:20-21) It is not by my power or ability but YOURS. Help me trust you that whenever I become a wife you will equip me too. I desperately need your wisdom and instruction.
Help me be all that you've created me to be.
Love,
Your Daughter
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." -Proverbs 3:5-6 (English Standard Version)
