Sometimes the use of journalism and media is wonderful. Because of instant connections across the world, we have a wealth of information at our fingertips, with more streaming in daily. This allows us to be informed, prepared and educated. Then there are other times, when we are force-fed information that is not pertinent to us. What do I mean by that?
There have been a couple of different incidents in the news recently involving parents and their children. You know the ones I'm talking about. We all know, because the media has told us time and again how it happened, where it happened, and why it happened. Many of us are informed of the details, and while it may seem beneficial to be "informed" about these things, there is one problem.
None of us were directly involved or physically present. We can look at these scenarios from all angles, but reading all of these accounts puts us in a state of suspended animation. We hang over the events with a magnifying glass, and we see what preventative measures could have been taken. We are involved in the hindsight. And what do they say about hindsight? That it's 20/20. We become situated in a place where it's easy to say what was done wrong, without considering those who were actually in the moment.
If you still don't understand why this is a problem, let me break it down a different way. Imagine you are in a car, driving on the highway. Although it is icy and snowy, you need to make it to work, but you are driving as carefully as possible. You've been driving for a while when you realize you need to turn on your defroster because the windshield is fogging up, and soon you won't be able to see out through it. You glance momentarily at the controls to turn on the defroster, but when you look up, you realize the car in front of you has braked hard and is rapidly slowing down. You also brake hard as a knee-jerk reaction, but because of the ice, you lose control rather than gain it, and you slide into the car in front of you.
We can look at this scenario as we looked at the scenarios with parents and their children and we can ask a couple questions, or even make a couple statements. Why didn't you have the defroster turned on from the beginning? Didn't you know that your windows can fog up in cold weather? You didn't really need to go to work if the weather was that bad. Couldn't you have stayed home? You should never have looked away from the road. Didn't you realize that all it takes is a split second of distraction? If I had been driving your car, I never would have done it this/that/the other way. Cars need to be controlled. If you had better control of your car, this wouldn't have happened. Hasn't anyone ever told you not to brake hard on ice? That will only make you lose control more easily!
I am a new parent myself, and as such, I'm in a really good position to look at these things objectively. Not too long ago, I could have passed similar kinds of judgment. I would never let my kid do this, or that, or the other thing. Standing outside and at the end of any situation, it is easy to see "the right way" to do things. But parents are people too, and we all make mistakes in moments that catch us off guard. The easy answer is that there is no single "right way" to do anything, including being a parent. Accidents happen. Things we never expected or even imagined happening do happen. The worst things that can possibly happen will happen to someone on this planet, and it doesn't matter who you are, or how good a person or parent you are. Even things in your control can be unpredictable.
Beyond that, children are not meant to be controlled. As much as the world believes it, it will never be true that parents should control their children. Why would we excuse that behavior when we resent being controlled by other people? Children need taught and nurtured and treated as people. Yes, I dare say that people making judgments are not observing children as people. People, young and old, wish to be respected, loved, and to feel valued. When we belittle parents and their children by telling them that they must control or be controlled, we are telling them that their worth as people and individuals does not matter. We all make choices, and most of us try to make the right ones.
Let's not ask what other people can do differently, and instead focus on what we can do differently – individually, culturally and as part of a community. I guarantee that answering those calls will be infinitely more productive than shaming people for decisions already made.
