When I write stories and articles about my experience with toxic friendships, it comes with a sense of relief. I used to be bitter about situations that involved estranged relationships with people I truly enjoyed being around. But, after three months of solitude and unfortunate isolation, I realized, for the fifty-hundredth time, that I deserve better.
I left my junior year of college on a bad note. I suffered from severe depression during my spring semester, and it not only affected my behavior, but it affected friendships as well. There were times where I'd be around people with a fake smile slapped across my face, and I'd return home crying and thinking the unthinkable. Granted, I'm very well aware that I'm not this perfect human being who deserves all of the pity.
I'm a work in progress, but I'm also a person who can tell when someone is acting differently towards me.
Coming from a person who has Asperger's syndrome, I can tell many social cues. I can tell when I walk into a room, it gets quiet when I'm around. I can tell when someone else walks into a room, everyone bows down like it's Beyoncé. When I try to make a conversation, it lasts for about 15 seconds. Meanwhile, I'm the oddball out and never understanding why.
I've been through this scenario before; the last time I felt this way and confronted it, things got worse and I was told I was being delusional. But, the writings are always on the wall. Returning back to college for my final year, I had hoped that bygones would be bygones and I could manage to rekindle relationships and turn over a new leaf.
But, every minute and every second of returning, I've felt nothing but ostracized with forced greetings like "How was your summer?" and "How's it going?"
I can tell when someone is being fake from a mile away. Being fake and not being genuine are traits of a toxic friendship to me. It's not fair. The purpose of a friendship is to tell a person when they've made a mistake, when they've done something wrong, and giving them ample opportunity to make it up. I've been told so many things that were said behind my back by people I trusted with information, that I broke down emotionally.
But, this entire summer was a life lesson. I needed that three-month vacation away from the high school drama I came across in college: the shifting cliques, gossip behind each others' backs and immature attitudes. Considering the fact that I'm a college senior, I thought college was supposed to be an escape from the high school bullshit I dealt with.
Being home made me appreciate my worth. I know that I deserve better people around me to not only be honest with me but support me for who I am. I'm different, hot-headed, sensitive, outgoing and often socially awkward, but I'm also loyal. I just need to find others who will be loyal to me.
Know your worth, know that you deserve better and have ample opportunity to escape a toxic friendship when it's right in your face.
