Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of relationships, flings, and flirtationships. Although I can’t actually say that I’ve experience every possible situation, it sure feels like it. Recently, I’ve looked at all my past relationships and compared them to my parents’ marriage, the healthiest relationship I’ve ever seen in my lifetime. Here’s what I’ve learned:
1. Evaluate the signs they’re giving you.
There are so many signs that you can look at that I could write a whole article on those alone, but the biggest sign is effort. If he or she isn't putting forth the effort to make time for you, then is this something that is even worth your time? Actions speak louder than words, after all.
2. Take your friends’ opinions into consideration.
Honestly, if you and your friends aren’t talking about your significant other or their potential as one, are you even really friends? Your closest friends can pick up on things that you can’t because it’s so easy to be blinded by infatuation. It’s always a good sign if your friends are excited for you, but it never bodes well if your friends have a poor opinion of your significant other.
I wholeheartedly believe that your friends make or break the relationship. Wasn’t it the Spice Girls that said you have to get with my friends, if you wannabe my lover? There’s a reason that song was so popular, ladies and gents.
3. You should never, at any point, feel insecure.
As someone with anxiety, I’m constantly reminded of my insecurities. Your relationship should not be one of them, period, end of story.
Looking back at all my past relationships, I’m reminded of some where I know I just wasn’t myself. I was quiet and reserved, but I’m actually a very loud and outgoing person that loves being around people. I recall always feeling like I would do something wrong, or that I wasn’t going to be cool enough for the other person to be dating me. On the other hand, I’ve remembered some where I was completely at ease, where I could be my goofy self and not feel judged at all. This is how it should be. You should never feel oppressed in a relationship or feel like you’re constantly being judged. Society does that enough to us; we don’t need the one person who should love every flaw and strength of ours to do the same.
4. Be confident in who you are to know you deserve the best.
You set standards for everything you do, so why shouldn’t your relationship be a part of that list? Granted, you won’t reach perfection, but you can get pretty damn close. Don’t settle for less just because you’re lonely or don’t think you deserve anything more. Everyone deserves to have a fairytale come true. It just takes a little faith, trust, and pixie dust.
5. Relationships are friendships on steroids.
Strong relationships are rooted by a mutual interest in both parties wanting the other to grow and achieve their fullest potential. I see this everyday in my parents. My mom followed my dad as he pursued his career in the Air Force and eventually as a pilot, and he supports her everyday as she deals with the daily grind of a 9 to 5. I have left a relationship because I felt like I was helping him achieve his dreams, but he wasn’t helping me achieve mine. It is just so important that both people have goals, separate of a successful relationship, that they can and do achieve in order for them to be happy together.
Your significant other should be your greatest best friend. That person knows you so much more intimately than your other best friends, and I don’t mean in the physical sense. They know everything from your hopes and your fears, your dreams and your regrets, down to your darkest secrets. They should be just opposite enough of you that they compliment you, all while having the same interests.
6. You can be independent of and dependent on each other at the same time.
This is one of the biggest points to me. I have lost so many friends to relationships that either weren’t healthy or eventually ended. Don’t get me wrong though, I was always happy for them. I simply believe you shouldn’t have to sacrifice friendships for romantic relationships, especially if you were friends long before. I know I said your significant other should be your best friend, but it is possible to have more than one best friend. It’s awesome that you get along with him or her so well and enjoy each other’s company, but taking one day out of the month for your other friends is not that hard to accommodate just to show that you still care.
Depend on your significant other all you want, but be independent enough to say you need time with your friends that were there before your significant other was there, and will be there long after he or she has left you.
7. Relationships are a two way street.
Somehow, amidst all of the romance and the chaos, we forget this simple but influential fact. It all comes back to effort, once again. You shouldn’t have to give your all, if your significant other is only giving you half. Nothing feels worse than having your efforts go to waste. Even your feelings should be reciprocated. If they aren't, then how can you be secure in your relationship?
8. That cliché break up line, “It’s not you, it’s me,” is the truest statement you will ever hear.
You know who you are when you enter into a relationship. If your significant other is not okay with your priorities and morals, then that is his or her own problem to evaluate on their own. I had an ex break up with me because I spent too much time with my friends and not enough with him. At the time, I was devastated of course, but if you couldn’t tell by my previous point, friends are important to me. He could have hung out with me and my friends if he wanted to see me so badly, just as I did for him, but he didn’t. In hindsight, he did me a favor.
So, you should thank whoever it is that said it to you. They just made your life so much easier.
9. Trust is the major key.
This one is pretty self explanatory, right? Good. Lord, help the one that screws this Filipina over.
10. When you know, you know
Vague, I know; that’s what I first thought when my mom said it to me. But then, my aunt told me the same thing, and a year after that, my other aunt said it too! All of them have been married for over 30 years; so clearly, there is some justification behind this statement. Ever since then, it’s something I’ve always kept in the back of my mind. You can’t force something like this; when it happens, it happens.
“but dear, don’t be afraid of love, it’s only magic” ― R.M. Drake
