Remember when we used to look at each other and smile whenever one of our songs would play in the car? Remember when we used to laugh at all our inside jokes? Remember when we thought this could work? Remember when I hoped and prayed that you felt the same way? Remember when I cried in front of you and you had to hold me, even though you were the reason behind my tears?
I also remember crying myself to sleep so many nights because I spent my days overthinking this — overthinking us. I remember questioning everything I believed in because of you. I remember the pain you put me through because I still feel it, every day. I remember trying to pinpoint the exact thing I did or said for you to feel differently.
I would talk about you to my friends and defend you by saying they didn’t know you like I did, even when they said you were bad for me. Maybe my stubbornness is a big part of why it took me so long to realize that you and I are far more toxic than electric when we’re together. Maybe I was being ignorant. Maybe I didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that everyone else was right and you and I were in the wrong.
Truth is, I know better. Deep down, I have always known better. I know that I deserve more. I know that I am better than this. I have so much to live and strive for. We’re both young, we both have our entire lives ahead of us. We should not be hurting this much so early in our lives, especially when we have so many good things going for us.
This is why I need to leave you behind. I need to take a good, long hard look at myself in the mirror and ask myself what I really want. And honestly? You need that too. We can’t keep hurting ourselves like this. We can’t keep saying we care for each other and don’t want to hurt one another, and then keep hurting each other.
Maybe our timing wasn’t right. Maybe we rushed into things. Maybe we couldn’t bear the thought of seeing one another with someone else and so we were together for all the wrong reasons. Maybe we just weren’t meant to be.
We had some amazing times together and made incredible memories. But that’s all it’ll be now. Memories. Memories that I will cherish deeply because they’ve shaped me into who I am now.
I think a part of me will always wonder what could have been. I know a part of me will always care for you and wish you the best in everything you do. You have changed me so profoundly; so to say that I don’t care even just a bit, would be a lie.
I’ll always love you. And you’ll always have a friend in me. But unless we both figure out what we want, “this” — whatever “this” is between us — it can’t work. Whether it’s in the form of a friendship or a romantic relationship, know that we’ll always come back to each other in one way or another. You and I both know that our story is never-ending.
But I know the choice I have to make. I know it’s probably going to be one of the hardest things I’ll ever have to do. I know that the pain to come is going to be excruciating and that there will be days in which the tears will come again.
It’s going to take a very long time for me to leave you behind. But you know what? I know I can get through this because what choice do I have? What doesn’t kill you makes stronger, right?
I need distance. I need to distance myself from you and focus on myself. I need to realize that in order for me to become the best version of myself, all of my focus and energy needs to be towards me and no one else.
“Change. We don’t like it. We fear it, but we can’t stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. And it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn’t is lying. But here’s the truth…the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, sometimes change is good. Sometimes, change is…everything.” – Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy