A few months ago I started to embark on a new chapter in my life that I was by no means prepared for. How could I have been prepared for the unexpected? I couldn't. I had to put my big girl panties on and just go with it. This recent occurrence threw me for a loop. No, it's not related to school. No, it's not related to work. It's related to the change in my relationship status. My life has moderately altered and I am constantly learning new information about myself due to this recent change. Some good, some bad, but overall, I'm learning to adapt to this new scenario. I just didn't think it would be so difficult.
I've always been the single gal. The single gal with daddy issues, who couldn't trust a man with a grain of salt. With a past like mine, it's completely acceptable to be this way, but only for so long. It's not that I wanted to not trust any man ever, but over the years I forced myself not to because of the situations I have been put through. It's safe to say that any girl would do the same, so I'm not ashamed of my reserved beliefs about men.
Since I was raised by a single mother, I was used to getting spoiled endlessly and everything going my way. When I didn't get what I wanted, when I wanted it, I would become angry. I don't have any siblings so I never had to worry about sharing. My entire life it has just been me. I guess you could say I was a selfish kid, and still am, but it wasn't until I got into a relationship that I realized how selfish I truly am.
It's no longer just me anymore. My decisions don't just affect me anymore. My decisions also affect him. I can no longer change my behavior because I don't get what I want, when I want. I can no longer get angry at little things that do not matter. I can no longer be this selfish woman that I have always been. I can no longer become defensive when he is trying to tell me how he feels. It doesn't work that way and if I want things to workout, I must do my best to become the best version of relationship Lexie. So I'm learning to compromise, listen more clearly, and control my attitude when I don't get my way. I'm used to tackling challenges, but this challenge has been the most difficult thus far.
It's so crazy because I swore to myself that I would never be one of those girls. What I am doing now, is exactly what I used to make fun of other people for. I didn't understand how someone could want to spend every moment with their significant other, but now I understand. I never understood how someone could spend less time with their friends, but now I get it. Don't get me wrong, my friends mean everything to me and I wouldn't sacrifice those relationships for a man, but I never understood those tendencies because I didn't have someone. But now I do understand. I understand that it's possible to feel. For the longest time, I never allowed myself to feel in fear of being hurt. Now that I have allowed myself to feel, it's an exhilarating feeling. Before this, I was basically living in a lie because I constantly told myself that I didn't care. I put on a front that allowed to me become what I acted on.
So yes, maybe I have become one of those girls, but I'm happy. I'm learning to adapt to a new chapter in my life. It may take some time to change my old habits, but it's worth it because it's not just me anymore.
It's okay to let go and feel. I encourage you to do that.
