For a while I was nervous to take a break from my relationship. I needed it though after being in it for 2 years. I was unhappy, he knew that and my friends knew that even better. My friends had suggested to just make it a clean break but I wasn’t so sure I wanted that, hence why an almost six-week break happened instead of just breaking up.
I think this was one of the best decisions I have made in my relationship. And no it is not because during those six weeks I learned to appreciate him more, I actually did really appreciate him. It is because I really learned about myself. When you have been in only one relationship in your entire life since you were 17, sometimes you question yourself and sometimes you lose yourself to the relationship.
Relationships need to be about partnerships and mine didn’t feel like one anymore. I was the only one making decisions and I felt like I had to be responsible for everything. It shouldn’t be that way. My parents had a messy relationship where it felt like only one of them was calling all the shots and I promised myself that was not the relationship I was going to have.
On top of it not feeling like a partnership anymore, I felt like I wasn’t my own person anymore. Suddenly everything about my future was tethered to his and I was starting to compromise on what I wanted in order to create this fantasy future which was never what I truly wanted. Parts of it I wanted but I also want to be doing something that I love and that can't be compromised. During this break I was able to refocus on that and be independent.
Being independent was really helpful. Not having to worry about how I wouldn’t have time to call or see him, or how tiny decisions would affect my relationship. Just basing what I did off of what I wanted was refreshing. I could go out with new friends without feeling guilty of leaving him behind or just stay home and relax by myself. This all goes back to partnerships. When you’re in a relationship, it doesn’t need to always be about the we, it’s okay to just think of yourself too.
The other thing that I learned besides that it is fine to be independent, is that I’ve got some serious trust issues. It took me talking to one of my parents friends to fully understand that. I had told this friend that I tend to expect the worse from people and occasionally hope for the best. That’s really not the right way to live but then again it is hard to be disappointed when you never expected much in the first place. Those kinds of thoughts really shouldn't be present in a relationship and it is something I am going to work on.
Now, I am back into my relationship and it is a little harder than I thought it would be. I changed in those couple weeks and I’m putting myself first again. Sometimes I feel like I’m being inconsiderate to my boyfriend but I am 19 and the only thing I want to do right now is to be me. Things are different and we are both changing. It is up to us on whether we want to change together or apart . I chose to see if we could figure it out and do it together.
