My favorite thing about God used to be his power and might. Not anymore, no my favorite thing about God by far is His steady grace.
One upon a time, I tried so hard to force my own plans for my life, hurting not only myself but a lot of people in my path. Unintentionally of course, but I'm still held responsible for the wrong doings I did on "accident."
I longed for all the wrong things, at all the wrong times. I was a coward in the worst way, hiding behind my faith because I cared deeply what people thought of me and not what my God thought of me. I knew the desires of my heart and the life I wanted to lead. I began to try to piece together a life that somewhat resembled what I thought was Gods plan. Fighting and forcing pieces to fit, I managed to create quite the mess. The life I made for myself resembled a two year old's scribble drawing and was incomparable to the Renaissance painting God had originally planned.
Like Sampson (Judges 16), I fell. My hair was cut, my strength ran out, and I was captured, blinded and bound up somewhere deep behind enemy lines. I became a shell of the girl God called me to be, but who was to know? I built a facade so high and so beautiful no one saw the raw regret that filled my soul. You'd think this is the part of the story where I run back to God, if only I had been that smart. I bought into the lie that I could still fix this mess. I bought into the lie that people wouldn't like me if they actually knew me. I bought into the lie that I had run to far and deserved to live the life I had fought so hard to create and I continued to put all my effort into making it work. Until one day I realized I was constantly apologizing to everyone for never being good enough.
Here's the brutal truth: I am not good enough.
I am not good, strong, or smart enough to live out Gods plan for me on my own.
No amount of my own efforts, manipulation, or whit will ever create a life that is beautiful and worthy as an offering to Him.
But with Him, and thank goodness for His willingness to forgive, the heavens are the limit for what life can become.
This is how I learned to receive grace.
Like Sampson, it took crying out during the lowest time in my life asking God to remember me. I swallowed my pride and realized how disappointed in myself I had become and I told God, "I am going to let go of everything I have tried to force, but please replace it quickly with your will Father." And because He is passionately faithful to his promises, His plan began to unfold. (Now hold on, it wasn't all unicorns and roses.) There are still times that I am reminded of the people I've hurt and the regret still cuts me to the core.
I now know the peace that comes with His will. I know the ease of trusting in Him. I know how to wait for the right moment. I know the ugly truth about my own crippling weakness. I know how little I can accomplish on my own. I know what the world thinks about my decisions is nothing to what my Heavenly Father thinks. I know that the storms of life come to an end, even if there is another one to walk through right around the corner. I know how to receive grace for the mistakes I make and move forward instead of bolting in the opposite direction.
For so long I bought into the fact that life was supposed to miserable and hard. That waking up every day was supposed to be a challenge, but that's not a life God offers us. He offers us grace to get through the though times and the mistakes. As long as we are constantly choosing Him, seeking Him, thanking Him.
["Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matt 11:30]
