Maybe I suck as a person. Maybe I'm honestly just a really selfish person, that's not out of the realm of possibility. But, I can't have kids. I can't do it.
For years now, my friends have cooed and aahed over the tiny crotch goblins, amazed by any unintelligible sound they utter and every bit of drool coming out of their mouths, spare me. For a while, I thought I'd get it when I was older, that the wish to hold and have my own human Furby would instantly appear one night. It never did, and I'm pretty OK with that. I love when people tell me I'll want them later because I love when people invalidate what I'm saying because everyone is expected to have kids. Please, continue saying that.
When I told my mom she wouldn't get grandkids out of me, she shrugged. "It's a commitment," she said. She managed to finish her education with two kids and has a doctorate. Now a successful college professor of international business management with one amazing younger child and another one who's alright (love you, sister), I wonder how hard that was.
I just can't imagine ever wanting to put my career on hold, essentially. I can't imagine wanting to take care of some other thing, an offshoot of me. Would I love my child if I had one? Absolutely. Sometimes, I think about how my children would grow up. My children would be fierce, polylingual, Hindu and have the work ethic I never had. They'd be good kids, and I couldn't see myself spoiling them.
The fact remains, however, that when a child gets within a foot of me, my instinct is to literally recoil. I was walking with a friend, and as a child tottered toward me, I desperately shoved my body away from the chubby faced mass of snot. He laughed, off balance as a result of my shove, and commented that wow, I really should not have kids. I shouldn't. I don't know how to handle myself around them, I get a headache within 10 minutes of meeting one. And you know what? That's OK. Maybe I'll live my twilight years completely alone, with no grand Furbies of my own, and I'll be OK. I'll adopt a couple of dogs, teach them Hindi or something.
