Neglected for months, a Heinz ketchup bottle has accumulated a wealth of dried ketchup around the hole underneath the cap. Despite the former bottle being half-full of perfectly good ketchup, the hole is now blocked by dried ketchup and looks like a hassle. The dry ketchup dam could easily be punctured by a gentle squeeze, but then there would be a little bit of dried ketchup leading the charge, and the thought of even the slightest amount of dry ketchup on a hot dog is mildly upsetting. Faced with no other choice, a shiny new ketchup bottle has been placed on the shelf. What is odd is that the former bottle will not be immediately thrown away, just placed behind the new bottle so we don't have to think about it right now. There is even talk of putting it in the garage for right now.
Unfortunately this new bottle of ketchup is Hunt's brand, and that simply will not do. Hunt's brand ketchup is not only inferior to Heinz, it is practically indigestible because of the awful taste. I have never been in a fight but I would not mind defending my opinion in verbal debate. This means that our only option is that dried up Heinz bottle with the sorry, crusty, ketchup-covered lid. I guess these hot dogs will have to be eaten with mustard only, maybe some onion on there. Thankfully mustard doesn't seem to have this problem. Ironic because mustard kind of rhymes with hard if you're lenient. Maybe it's because we go through mustard like sausage through a palm. My family eats more mustard than you believe exists, so I will not bother telling you how much mustard I had for breakfast. You would not believe me.
Mustard is a loud condiment. The ketchup to mustard ratio should be three to one but due to circumstances out of my control, there will be no ketchup this day. There's not even any hot dog chili laying around. There's always hot dog chili laying around, why is there no hot dog chili when we need it? Has someone been eating the hot dog chili without hot dogs? Who would do such a thing? Perhaps the same people who do that also enjoy Hunt's brand ketchup. That would not surprise me. Hunt's brand ketchup is an anomaly at cookouts. The person who brings Hunt's is married to the person who brings macaroni salad. If you bring macaroni salad to a get-together, you are essentially providing leftovers from the start. The best way to eat macaroni salad is to open it at the store so no one eats it. Although the noise a spoon makes upon entry of macaroni salad is the comedic equivalent of a chimp playing golf, the taste of macaroni salad is the comedic equivalent of Kathy Griffin in 2017.
I guess we could take a toothpick and puncture the dry hole of the old ketchup bottle, but then dry ketchup would surely mix with that red gold underneath. The only way to solve this problem is to go to the store and buy more ketchup. Should probably buy more napkins so we can wipe any stray ketchup after use to prevent further crust from developing.
