Recently, I've been paying more attention to the people that I spend my time with. I slowly came to realize that I have this habit of straying back to what isn't healthy and don't listen to anyone when they tell me to let it go. Toxicity is addicting, anyone can tell you that. There's always something you really shouldn't do but you do anyway because of the sense of satisfaction.

I always had this idea in my head that you should never go back to date someone who hurt you to the point of break-up. And yet here I am, back with my ex.

I have quite a few friends that I know would say that we've just been through hell and back and that makes us stronger than others. But I know differently. The person I am when I'm with them is not who I want to be. I'm a new level of petty that is unnecessary. I become hateful and mean and I can't stand that side of me.

So, I try to change how I react instead of doing what I really should and just leave it all behind me.

I don't exactly know what it is. I forgive some things fairly quickly. Other mistakes you'll be making up for years. Sometimes I drop people like it's absolutely no issue and other times I don't know how to let go. It might be this thing of wanting someone around me whenever I need them, healthy or not.

So that all being said, I'm eternally grateful for those friends that are genuinely kind. The friends that get lemonade with me on Mondays and establishing a routine without either of us realizing it because we just like to hang out. I'm grateful for the friends that text me about nonsense that happened in class and the friends I can go to complain about that boring professor that I absolutely dislike (it hasn't quite gotten to hate yet).

But it also means that those friends that are genuine are getting the backlash of the ones that are there to ruin lives.

They're getting the aftereffects of my 3 a.m. rage about something that doesn't matter in the long run and probably has very little to actually do with me.

How do you explain to someone that the way you're acting isn't you, isn't who you want to be but you know no different? That your mother raised you better, warned you often and you're still struggling with letting go of the mean devil after you? You just have to kind of hope that the good ones will bear with you and you'll be stronger friends in the end. You hope that things will work out how you want them to even as you step onto that slippery ice.

It wouldn't be a problem at all if I could just take this toxicity and let go.

I give the advice to people all the time. The, "you're destroying yourself by dealing with this" type of conversation. I guess that's the struggle in a typical life though, you give advice but never know how to listen to yourself. It's simply because it's always easier said than done and when you're telling someone else, you don't have to go through the process.

If this article is useful for nothing else, let it be a warning. A call to make a change with who you associate yourself with because eventually, you'll be in situations you never wanted to see.