I can't tell you just how many times I’ve been there, how many times I’ve wanted something so bad that it started to make me physically hurt, and how many times I’ve been the one who couldn't walk away.

I stood right where you are. Things were falling into place, I could feel myself finally being able to breathe again, and the timing was just right-- or so I thought. Things started off so good, seemed so great. We were laughing, staying up all night on the phone, we were always together. It was just the two of us in this little bubble, and there wasn't a thought in my mind that could destroy this picture. It was perfect, not a single thing about it was wrong. We had each other, and that's all we needed. It was a moment that I prayed for, that I wanted more than anything. This was the first stage, much like a honeymoon.

Then all of a sudden, it happened.

The conversations become less frequent. You start to lose the spark, you feel like the world around you is collapsing. Nothing you do is enough. You can fight, scream, and cry, but it's still not going to change a thing. You are breaking into a thousand pieces, and you start to question yourself. What did I do wrong? Why is this happening? How can I make things better? Am I not pretty enough? Am I boring? You overthink it until you're crying on the bathroom floor and making yourself so sick for weeks. Nothing anyone can say helps. This was the second stage. Heartbreak.

A boy from my past recently came back hoping he'd get another chance, If I would have been in the mind set I was in a year ago, I would have let it happen again. Although I have always wondered what it would be like to have had an actual (working) relationship with him, I told myself that I wouldn't go back to the past love interests when they leave because nothing is ever as good the second time around. Our history proves this. Maybe this sounds stupid, but I made this vow to myself. I never want to have to settle with someone who always leaves and comes back or someone who thinks they have all this power over me because they know what to say to get me to come back. I need real emotion, real chemistry; I need deep talks and someone who will go the distance with me. In today's society, we are always constantly moving and if my significant other isn't willing to move with me (not like out of state or anything,) then we're not doing anything good for either one of us.

The thought "choose people who choose you" keeps standing out to me and I'm so done being a second choice. I deserve to be a first, and I now stand up for myself in the instances that I never did before. I'm in a part of my life where I can't have anything holding me back, and although being with someone who knows and understands you could result in a nice relationship, it wouldn't be something we could build from. That is so important to me too-- because otherwise, what is the point?

I know the struggle and pain upon continuing to stay, and I understand now that it is so okay to walk away. It's so rewarding to be at a point in my life where I’m actually fighting for me, and for once, I finally feel clean.