For the past year, I have been at war with myself, torn between two different things that I thought I wanted all at the same time. Up until last night, I was feeling unbearably conflicted and irritated with myself and I didn't even know what I wanted anymore. What I'm talking about: wanting to be single and wanting to be in a relationship.

For awhile now, I have given off the vibe that I like to be single, and I even tell people that I don't want to be anyone's girlfriend right now and I like answering to nobody. When I say that, I feel that it is 90 percent true because there's this weird 10 percent that is still unsure and secretly wants a boyfriend. How did I realize this? Because I've become so easily upset with myself and I'm so damn emotional. I'll talk to people about how I feel lonely sometimes, and how I envy adorable, happy couples that I see practically everywhere, and the ones that come streaming into my Facebook news feed day in and day out. I'm happy with being solo until I see that stuff, and that's only because I'm reminded of that other 10 percent that I'm still craving, whether I want to believe it or not.

"So why do you say you like being single then? If you say you don't want a boyfriend, then why are you complaining?"

I would look at them, with uncertainty and confusion in my eyes, honestly trying to figure it out myself, and I wouldn't be able to find the right answer. Luckily, I've had a few close people in my life who know me a bit better than I know myself. I was talking about it with my friend the other night, and she helped me get to the root of my conflicting feelings.

"You're split," she said. "You've been hurt by the guys that you've been with, and yet you find comfort in companionship. Subconsciously, you still seek it, but it's not necessarily a relationship that you want right now, as much as you want comfort and peace of mind that comes from being in one."

And then just like that, it all made sense and I was so grateful as well as relieved that I discovered the answer to all of my frustration. It wasn't that I was broken -- like I assumed the entire time -- and it wasn't that there was initially anything wrong with me. The thing with me is that I do not want a relationship. That's clear as day to me, and I know in my heart I want to be alone right now. However, I still crave and want someone to hold me, be there for me and talk to me until three in the morning. I want someone whom I can show affection to and they can show affection back.

I know that it might sound bad, but honestly, it's not. It's just how I am right now, and I'm still human. My feelings are valid, and I can't help what I feel. If you are going through something similar and you ask yourself, "What is wrong with me? Why am I pushing away these people who are pursuing me romantically?" then it's probably because you're afraid of commitment, too, but you still want to feel wanted. I think it's especially normal if you are in your early to mid-20's because this is the time where you're truly figuring yourself out (please ignore my nauseating cliche, but it's the truth) and the possibilities in life seem infinite.

At the end of the day, we just want someone to love us because that's the kind of creatures that we are. I guess I'm going to have to sit on the fact, though, that I really should be single right now. Should I ignore that other part of me that wants romance and affection? If that's what it takes to be happy, then maybe I should from now on. My friend told me that when I'm not looking or when I'm just living my life, something will unexpectedly happen and my mind will change about being single.

Someday I will want to be in a relationship. I suppose that time isn't exactly right now, especially if I've been so at war with the two: single or relationship. Love is supposed to be simple for the most part. If you truly want someone, then the answer is yes, and it's plain as day. With me, I'm still indecisive about everything. I think this is my time to take care of myself. Wanting attention and affection isn't always the best start to a relationship, anyway. I want the real thing, and I want to be sure of it.