Disclaimer: I am writing and reflecting on my experiences. I am not coming from a place of thinking that I am "right" or that my perspective is now the holy grail, I am just a person. It does affect me when people assume that I now think I'm better, or that for some reason my perspective can be applied to others, when I'm just talking about myself. I know that I am correct in what I say when it comes to myself. I want to make it very clear that I know that what I speak cannot be applied to everyone else, and that not everyone is a certain way purely off my observations. It is very important that this is acknowledged. This is my truth.
College doesn't look good on most people. It's like having an ugly Instagram filter. No one looks good under the "college" filter.
Blacking out and the fun pictures you see most people post, aren't an actual representation of college. Yes, there is a lot of drinking and hook-ups involved; but what you don't see behind the scenes are the mental breakdowns, loneliness, constant FOMO, and the endless feeling that you're choosing the wrong path.
College is a nasty time for most people. It's "the selfish" time. Most relationships suck. Everyone is "going through it", and we just don't take care about our bodies and friends like we should. We suck at communicating, and most of us change our majors at least 3 times. We blame it on "going through it" and it's an endless cycle. To get through it all most of us develop a vice, and just hope that it doesn't shorten our lifespan.
I started writing as a form to cope with growing up with a bipolar mother and the self inflicting ass holes I chose to date. It started as a way to process what the fuck was wrong with me. I'm trying to transition into opening up about my eating disorders, activism, and mental illness; and it's okay if you need to unfollow me. We are all just trying our best to navigate this world. We're all learning at our own rate, and some of us are trying to numb it out; and it is ALL okay!
It's okay if you don't want to see my rants. It's okay if it's too uncomfortable. It's okay if you don't like me anymore. I have a better support system and it's just an unfollow; it's not personal. I've talked to my other friends about this, and I follow the people I follow because it makes me happy. It makes me happy to see someone I met 5 years ago get engaged. I love seeing all my friends from abroad choosing their own paths, and I love feeling nostalgic about our deep talks at 3 am as we walked barefoot across Rome. I love seeing random people I've never met feel themselves and be happy. They don't know it, but I'm happy for them.
I know some of my friends think it's stupid to follow people that we may never see again, and I don't think it's stupid. I get that although I may be happy liking your picture, the feeling is not mutual. I understand if you only want to have your close friends on your social media. I get it. If you've been wanting to unfollow me for a while because you just don't like me, this is it; go for it.
I want to make it very clear that I don't want anyone in my life that is going to judge my growth, since I already judge myself so harshly. It's going to be uncomfortable to watch. I'm aware of how it all looks. But it doesn't freeze me like it used to. There are so many ugly sides to me and toxic tendencies, so I get it if it's triggering. I know that we are all at different learning points.
What I want to bring up in my articles are uncomfortable. It's okay if you need a break from my content, because mental health comes first. It's okay to unfollow me, I won't take it personally. If you're from my hometown and you unfollow me it's okay, I'll still say hi when I see you!
Okay, maybe I'll say hi.
I still get anxious saying hi to people and my body still freaks out during certain social interactions. Just know that I'm trying. I want to be the type of person that acknowledges others when I see them. I used to feel obligated to "be nice" and make small talk even when I didn't want to. I'm trying to learn how to let go of that feeling and simply acknowledge others without forcing the small talk and the bullshit "it was so nice seeing you, hope you're doing well, let's catch up", when I don't really care. I want to be able to just say hi, and not have to do the small talk.
That's it. Just wanted to let everyone know that if they wanted to unfollow me for a while, to go for it.