Being 24 when I lost my dad, people underestimate the pain and heartbreak I will endure. I had my dad for 24 years so that's enough and I'm blessed so I shouldn't cry or have any pain. I heard A LOT of "you got 24 years with him, while others cannot say that". I hear you. I get it. But DO NOT belittle my pain because of someone else's battle they are facing. We tend to compare our pains and try to one up whose suffering more rather than just listening with an open ear. When someone is happy, people don't say, "well others are happier". During the time of the wake and funeral, I heard, "a child is supposed to bury their parent, not the other way around". Again, I hear you. I get it. But no. Our parents should grow old to 90 and see their children have children. My dad won't get to see my brother graduate. My dad won't walk me down the aisle. My dad won't get to see his first born son have children. My dad won't get to grow old with my mom, his best friend. He won't be a grandfather, something that he SO badly wanted to go through.
Our lives are forever changed. Each day will be a struggle and bring its own challenges. My emotions vary within the day; in the morning, I wake up thinking it was all of nightmare and check my parent's room only to find that this horrible nightmare is my new reality. Then I think of all the great times I've had and how blessed I am to have had one badass father. And then, BAM, anger. I get so angry about how he suffered for 4 years yet some family members never stopped by. Never. I get so angry that he left. How could he just give up? I get angry at God for "testing" our faith and giving us this battle. God knew how good my dad was and how pure his heart was so why couldn't He take a bad person's life. I'm so angry with the doctors - why couldn't they catch the cancer earlier? I was not ready to let him go. I did not want to see him suffer the way he did, specifically, those last few weeks of his life.
To anyone who is reading this and has lost a loved one, not just a dad, please go through every emotion. It is okay to not be okay. People are going to say things and they mean well, they really do. But nothing they say will take our pain away or bring back whomever we lost so just remember - in one ear and out the other. Crying is okay. Being sad is okay. Moving forward with life is okay. But just like how you are grieving in your own way, respect the way others are grieving too. Everyone deals with death and sadness in their own ways. Take your time to get back on your feet. Getting back up and living for your loved ones is so important. My dad died having so many hopes and dreams for us and the best way to honor him is to live life to the fullest. So cry it out, wipe that tears, and go kick your day's ass.
It won't get better. It won't get easier. We just learn how to live with a piece of our hearts missing.
