Everyone who knows me well knows that I am a very quiet, agreeable person. I've been this way for as long as I can remember. I think a lot of it stems from the fact that I wasn't very popular when I was younger (I was REALLY weird, friends), so now I just agree to almost anything people ask me in hopes that maybe they will like me and want to be friends.
Here's the problem with that: I stretch myself way too thin. I reached a sort of breaking point this week where I had a moment of clarity. We're currently three weeks into my junior year of college, and I have an unbelievable amount of homework every single day. Between reading 300+ pages from a textbook every week, working two jobs and covering shifts whenever people are sick, attending club and organization meetings, and still keeping up with my friends, I realized I don't have time to be agreeable anymore.
The time we have each day is valuable, and to spend it doing something you don't want to be doing is ridiculous. Just last week, I sat and listened to music that I absolutely hated with a friend of mine for HOURS because when they asked me if I liked it, I told them it was good rather than letting them know it wasn't my taste and that I wanted to hear something else. Why am I like this? I don't know. We all have a deep-rooted need to want to fit in with our peers, so maybe that's where it comes from.
I'm veering off course, though. The point of my article is a little more somber than just crappy music. There have been days where I will drop everything I'm doing to go help a friend or cover a shift rather than taking care of the things that I need to get done, because I can't say no. Then when I get home, I have a mountain of homework due the next day and either stay up until 2 in the morning and get very little sleep or end up not being able to do it and falling behind.
The other end of this is more to do with emotions. If you're in a relationship or a friendship that's not making you happy, why are you in it? You deserve so much better for yourself than to settle for mediocrity. A friendship should be nurturing and supportive and caring, and if either party is tearing the other down or making the other feel inadequate, it's not a good relationship to be continuing. As for romantic relationships, I'll admit I'm not an expert. However, I do know this: I know love can be hard. I know it can have its ups and downs and ugly moments, but if it seems like most days are ugly days, maybe it's time to reconsider whether or not it's healthy to continue. You should feel wanted and like you can get through anything together.
I've heard so many people say that putting yourself first is "selfish." Why? I have to live with myself every day. Just because I choose to make my headspace a better place to be in by surrounding myself with people that I actually enjoy spending time with doesn't make me selfish. It makes me real. I don't like certain things and have different view points than several people. There's certain people on campus that I know are more outspoken or party more than I would like, so I know that hanging out with those people would make me unhappy. It doesn't make me selfish for knowing my limitations and setting reasonable guidelines for myself and the people I want to surround myself with.
I'm trying to say that if there's any aspect of your life that your not happy in, it's OK to say, "no." It's perfectly fine to put your mental and emotional health first and realize that at the end of the day, you are the most important person in your own life. You shouldn't change yourself for other people or do things you're uncomfortable with just to make your peers happy; eventually you'll find people that enjoy doing the same things you do and you'll be truly happy rather than just pretending. Stand up for the things you believe in and the things you want. Put yourself first.
