Have you ever felt like you don’t belong? Not the typical awkward Christmas party or third-wheeling it with one of your best friends and her boyfriend at dinner. But really feeling out of place physically, mentally and emotionally?

I recently returned from a mission trip to Haiti. And I should be happy to be back on good ole’ American soil right? However, I have never felt so awkwardly out of place in my entire life.

Let me start with a little back-story to help fill in the lines. I am 20-years-old, an art lover and slightly obsessed with all babies and small children. I'm a nursing student, and love traveling (but have not been out of the country before this trip.) I have always wanted go to Haiti because my church in Columbus, IN has been taking trips for at least seven years. The timing was perfect, and I was feeling called to go, but never knew how much it would impact me. You might be really puzzled about where this whole story is going or why the heck the title of this article is called “It’s Not About The Trash”.

Scene setting: The first day we arrived in Cap-Haitian, Haiti — keep in mind this is my first time out of the country — first thought: WHOA… I had no idea:

1. How small an airport could be.

2. Once we got outside, the overwhelming smell of trash and garbage that crept into my nose lingered seemingly holding all other senses hostage.

At first I was thinking there has to be a “dump” (which is what we call a landfill, here in Indiana) somewhere. Once we had loaded up our luggage in the truck and started heading toward the compound where we would be staying, I knew where the smell was coming from. As we drove down the “road” (of dirt) with the biggest potholes I have ever seen in my entire life, I see it. Trash. Bottles. Plastic. Food peels. Etc. It’s along the roads in massive piles. Trash in the ocean was washing up from the sea onto this beautiful beach as if the ocean is littering its counter part along the coast. Trash is in the water canals along side the markets. Piled in front of businesses and homes as if it has nowhere else to go.

I can tell you all this and try to give you a visual but I don’t think there is anyway for people to truly grasp the experience unless you are there yourself. I had never seen anything like this. I was in shock. True and utter culture shock. I continued to contemplate how could they live like this? How can we help them or fix this problem? Why are they doing this? The typical spoiled American response was what I had. I went to THEIR country and wanted to go in and fix it.

The initial problem was I became completely blind to the reason we were really there. We were going to evangelize to people by handing out solar powered radios. The man actually leading the trip from our church is a native Haitian and is a broadcaster for 4VEH, the radio station through which we were delivering radios. All of those thoughts went out the window once I saw all this trash. The first day we arrived was pretty laid back, hanging out at the compound and visiting the radio station. After dinner, which could be another story in and of itself because it was delectable, we had devotions with the other five people on our mission team, essentially talking about our day and a brief bible study followed by worship.

Personally, I am not a crier. I don’t like people seeing me cry. I don’t like to cry. However, that first night, I bawled. Not like a tear or two. Flat out bawled my eyes out. I was feeling so many different emotions. Infuriated. Despondent. Perplexed. Strayed. At that moment in time, I didn’t know what I was feeling. I felt so upset for their way of life. I grieved from both the shock and the sadness.

As I am writing this, I feel ashamed even thinking that way. I went to bed dissatisfied with not having an answer. As the week continued I was un-expectantly and exceptionally blessed by the people we met throughout the week in Haiti. I started to fall in love with the people and their souls. We went to many different places of worship and preaching. And that is when I started to fall in love. Seeing all the men, women and children putting their hearts into worship had to be the most beautiful thing in the entire world.

You also need to keep in mind many of these people have slim to nothing of any material valuables; therefore having such selfless faith for Jesus was impeccable. They put my relationship with God to shame!

This was when I realized we don’t need to fix Haiti or the trash. We need to learn from Haiti. We need to not be materialistic, judgmental, or worried. We need to put every ounce of ourselves into God. We are nothing without Him. Some of these people worshiping had no idea where their next meal was going to come from or how they would be able to send their children to school. But they had pure faith in God. God was providing, I saw it with my own eyes! How many people get to say that here in America?

It’s safe to say America is one of the richest countries in the world, but in my soul I know Haiti is one of the richest countries with Jesus Christ. I am unimaginably blessed to have witnessed the amazing love and honored to be able to share the good news with the people of Haiti.

To the girl who wouldn’t let go of my hand in the village we visited, to the woman who was willing to quit her job of selling lottery tickets to go back to church, and to the man who wanted us to pray for him to go back to church, this is for you. Haiti has stolen a piece of my heart. After being back I miss it more and more everyday. I feel both misplaced and out of place being back in America. It’s not about the trash. It’s about the love and selfless faith Haitian’s have; beautiful people, souls, and country inside and out!