This week, I have had so many moments where I have contemplated basically everything. It started out on Tuesday; I made the choice to buy my first Holiday blend coffee at my College's little Starbucks. I had not had coffee that day and my head was killing me, I have coffee everyday, so the feeling was quite awful.
Anyway, I finished my coffee and started to write an article on motivation for my Principles of Management class. I had been putting the article off for so long, because I felt like it was a dumb assignment...I was so wrong. The article I chose awoke a feeing inside me I just couldn't ignore. The article talked about how there are two types of motivation, and if you take the focus of motivation off of being internal, the result will not reap the same reward.
I am the type that needs to get A's in all my classes and this semester; I realized I started to take the focus off of my learning and put it all onto the grade. The article said that the people who do that, don't succeed as much as the person who was completely focused on the material, rather than the short-term success. I knew that already, but my ego gets in my way. My ego blocked my learning. I realized I have to stop focusing on being perfect and focus on what matters; learning. The caffeine kept me contemplating this late into the night.
Wednesday. Wednesday I broke my norm. That morning at the gym, I wore a work-out tank top. For those who know me, I never and I mean NEVER wear tank-tops. I felt like I needed to do something to show myself that it is okay to feel uncomfortable. I survived, no big deal. Later that night I was more social than normal, as well. I decided to be outgoing and do something I normally wouldn't do. It was a day that I had to prove myself wrong. It was a day I had to tell myself if you can't do something this small, how do you think you can make it outside of college. I had to act.
As for today (Friday), I woke up late. My alarm didn't go off; I hardly made it to class on time. I got to class and was slapped with a massive assignment that I was not prepared for. Feeling discouraged, I looked at my email and saw that my second class was canceled. Thank God. I got back to my room, took a shower and went back to sleep until waking up again for chapel.Feeling a little better after chapel, I went to my third class, Bible in Current Perspective. Little did I know that Bible in Current would throw me today. Class was discussion and video-based, which always reaches me better than lecture.
The part of the class I can't shake, was when the professor put on a video cover of Halleluiah sang by Rufus Wainwright. It was a live video, and the emotion was so raw. I never considered the emotional strain in this song before today. The facial expression of Rufus Wainwright as he sang the words broke my heart. I was so drawn in by the words and the imagery and all the possible answers to what the song is about. The word halleluiah means a praise of God, but the song itself is sung as a lament. It is a very powerful, emotional song that I never appreciated until today. I never felt the emotional strain until today. The feeling I had during the song and now, can't even be explained. I don't know how to put my thoughts into words on why I am so fascinated by the concept of Halleluiah. I don't know how to explain the reason to why it stuck with me, the reason why I felt like a part of me was awakened.
So what is the point of this article? Why does it matter? The take-away from this article can be whatever you want it to be. For me, writing was to get some of my emotions out. To share how I've been feeling. To share a little bit of my mind, to share how I think, feel, react. I feel motivated and emotionally torn all at the same time. I feel content, yet completely confused.
The point of my writing this was to share that it is okay to have feelings, even if they don't make sense. Even if I don't make sense. At least I am trying to formulate some thought. It's a start. I encourage you all to think deeper this week.
(links to the article I read and video I watched are below, in case you were curious)
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/07/06/opinion/sunday/t...
