Two weeks ago I finally acted on a decision I had been toying with for months. For almost three years, I have taken 20mg of Lexapro everyday in order to help with my depression and anxiety. At first I looked at this little white pill as a blessing. For twenty years I had been battling with chronic depression, generalized and social anxiety, and situation angry problems. For years it felt like a losing fight. Every year it seemed to get worse and then I graduated from high school and I thought maybe college will be an escape for me. But that wasn't the case. I started to isolate myself; only leaving my dorm for food and class. I had friends but I wasn't a good friend. I was never around when they needed me and being around people that on the surface seemed happy with their lives was difficult. So I started therapy. At first it was nice but then after a few sessions it stopped being nice and felt more like a job I never applied for. My therapist my Freshmen year of college wouldn't diagnose me with depression because I had only come to therapy because of my anxiety. I soon stopped going, I met a guy, and I had really good friends. Then my junior year I transferred schools. I started all over at a school, in a town, that I knew no one. After a month of feeling completely alone I started therapy again but this time it was different. My therapist, Kim, asked me a lot of questions when we first met and she had me fill out this questionnaire. She was the first therapist to tell me that it wasn't just anxiety and that I was crazy. She then introduced me to an on-campus doctor, Jill. She became one of my biggest advocate, well next to Kim, in making sure I was actually living a life instead of hiding.

I approached them about being put on antidepressants and for a while it was great. But after graduating from college and moving back home things changed. One of the side effects of the medication is weight gain and makes it difficult to lose the weight you'd gained. Another was exhaustion. And then came repressed sex libido. Slowly I was starting to cross off every side effect on the WebMD list. Even though I wasn't as depressed or anxious as before, these symptoms made me embarrassed. I was scared to date because I didn't know how a future partner would react to me not being into sex or me constantly being tired or sweating all the time in my sleep. But then I met my current boyfriend, whose completely understanding, and it made me feel more comfortable in the idea of possibly going off my medication.

So I started doing research. Every night I was googling and reading someone's pinterest article on how they went off their antidepressants. The part that scared me were the withdrawal side effects. Lexapro has the worst withdrawal period of any antidepressant and that terrified me because I'd been on it already for three years. But then Covid came and for some reason that really pushed me to really consider it. So I spoke with my doctor and explained to her all my reasons for wanting to go off it. I'll give her credit she was understanding but not as confident in it as I was but I pressed on. We made a schedule:

1 Week: 10mg a day

2 Week: 5mg a day

3 Week: 5mg every other day

4 Week: no more Lexapro

Seems easy enough, right? Well for awhile it was but then as week 1 came to a close I experienced my first bought of depression. I had felt sad, and even angry, while on the medication but it usually wasn't the numbing feeling I felt when I was depressed. At first I was scared until my mom noticed I was off. She asked me if I was depressed and when I told her yes she asked me if this was the first day I'd been depressed since decreasing my medication. My mom told me how even though I feel depressed today that it doesn't erase the progress I've made in my battle against depression or in going off my medication. That it's just one day. My mom always taught me to be vocal about my depression and anxiety because people can only see your outside so they don't understand how you're really feeling. So that's what I started doing. Whenever anyone at work or at home asked me how I was I was completely honest. I started keeping track of my moods and it honestly made me feel better. I'm starting my third week on July 2nd. It'll be the first day I haven't taken my medication in three years and it's a little scary but I'm excited.

Now this story isn't me saying that no one should take medication for mental health. No this is a story for someone out there that maybe is going through what I went though and maybe is thinking about going off their medication but it scared. Medication isn't for everyone and no one should be forced to stay on it if it makes them feel worse because on the outside they may look find but on the inside they could be exploding. If you're on medication and you have no plans of ever going off of it then good for you but if you're someone struggling with their meds go talk with you doctor about other options for you. At the end of this third week I'll be starting CBD and I'm a little scared but also excited to see where I go from here.