It’s incredible how much the definition of “home” can change throughout one’s life. I grew up in the small town of Darby, Montana and lived there from the beginning of my existence until the day I left for 'the big city' of Billings to go to Rocky Mountain College. Growing up, I was fortunate enough to have many opportunities to travel with my family and see all the world had to offer but there was no doubt that Darby was my home. Up until the point, I packed up my car and drove away to college my definition of home was an absolute no brainer when people asked me “Where is home for you?” I would answer with no hesitation.
The crazy thing about my perspective of home is that I cannot pinpoint an exact moment when answering the question, “where is home for you?” became a complicated question. It was a gradual and unnoticeable change but throughout the many different roommates, dorms, apartments and travels in my past three years at college, my idea of home became somewhat of a mystery.
“Home is where the heart it,” that’s what they all say. Everyone may interpret this differently but I typically assume that this means that home is where my family and friends that I love are. If you are someone who has remained close with your friends from home and your family still lives in your hometown then it is more than possible that when you return and are once again surrounded by those you love you still feel very much at home.
I was the youngest child. My older brother and sister had been long gone out of the house and started their own families by the time I graduated high school. My dad took on a new job and had been working away from home for my final two years of high school. Naturally, the day that I left for college my mom packed up her things and headed to live and work with my dad.
Since then I have had a series of different roommates, spent a semester living in Scotland studying abroad, spent a summer living with my parents in the random city of Casper, Wyoming, moved back to my old house in Billings with my boyfriend and just recently moved into a newer and nicer house. Somewhere in the midst of all these transitions and only a handful of trips back to Darby in the past three years, I have lost all comprehension of what I consider home.
In all my confusion and many transitions and experiences in the past few years I have not been able to come up with an answer for where exactly my home is. In a way, I believe that home is where the people you love most are but through the many times, I have visited my sister in her small San Diego apartment I have not once felt as if I was home. As much as one’s home is a state of mind I believe it also has to be a physical place. I also believe that home does not have to just be just one place.
After living in a house for nearly two years I turned in my keys and left it behind today without the slightest bit of emotion. I always hated that house and many of the memories that were associated with it, it may have been my place of residence for a long period of time but it never truly felt like home. Yet after living in a random flat in Scotland for just a few short months I constantly caught myself referring to it as home. That flat quickly became the warm hug I was seeking after the end of a late night out on the town with too much dancing and far too many jello shots.
So my answer to “where is home for you?” is that it is not a simple answer. Home is comfort. Making a stone cold decision on what you think is home is a complete waste of time. Instead of leaving my heart in one home I want to stay open to the idea that anywhere I am could be home for me. Most of the time you don’t even realize that your perspective of home has changed until you catch yourself accidentally using it in a sentence or feeling extremely sad when you have to leave it behind. In the past few years of my life I have, without conscious effort, disregarded the entire idea of having one place as my home. The marvelous mistake has left I me open to living in the moment and never leaving my heart in just one place but letting it roam the world freely. I don’t want my heart to be at home I want it to be everywhere that I am.
