"Do you hate me?"
Ouch. I had heard this before. It just felt different coming from one of my best friends. I did not hate her, I never had and I hope that I never will. Had I not just told her I loved her yesterday?
Did that even matter to her?
Of course, I love her. I wouldn't have spent countless hours sitting on her bedroom floor holding her while she cried if I hated her and, honestly, I would not have let her return the favor. I mean, it isn't like I said too much. Actions speak louder than words, right? Anyway, I always know what to say when we text each other. I like to be able to mull over my words and think about how I can help.
Sometimes I can't help that I feel like my words are cheesy. Cheesy words feel empty. I can't just say, "I love you. I think you're so cool." Everyone says that, right? I do not feel like everyone.
How will she know I mean it if I just tell her that I don't? People lie all the time and I cannot let her think I am lying at all.
The truth is, I have so much love for my friend. I've known her for years. All I want is her happiness and for her to reach her goals. To me, all problems are inherently solvable and this makes me want to do whatever I can to help her get to where she wants to be. A lot of this involves tough love, sure. In a lot of ways, I feel like a mother. I will say things like, "You need to make sure you get that assignment done on time," or, "You ate out for dinner yesterday, don't you need to save that money?" I suppose it can sound like nagging.
I want to apologize for having to take so much time to myself. I love her so much, but I thrive when I am alone, lost in my thoughts, reveling in what the day was or could have been.
I promise I am not a robot. I do have feelings. In fact, I have felt so powerfully that sometimes it physically hurts. But, my feelings are not anyone else's business, just like their's aren't mine. Of course, sometimes I want to read thoughts because I don't want to be rude by asking what is wrong and pushing them to tell the truth when they don't want to. Sometimes I do that.
I guess "she" can also be me, at times. I am notoriously hard on myself, but every day I am learning to love myself, little by little. Just like the tempo of a song, self-love can go up and down. Sometimes I'm sorry that my friends are friends with me, for their sake. I can be a difficult person. I'm easy to get along with, but I can't help but feel like I unintentionally deceive them by not letting them in all the way.
The very last thing I want to do is hurt anybody.
I remember having to think about what she had just asked me and quickly reflected on myself. I remember taking an awkward breath and only being able to get out, "I actually love you very much."