You know who you are, even if you don't realize it. I could call you auntie, because you were once. You used to be my aunt, but even though technically you still are, you haven't actually been for years. I don't think you realize what your addiction has taken away from me and from your family. It has not only taken who you are, but has changed you into something I can't describe. Most people argue you are sick, and addiction is a disease, but I can't wrap my head around it. I don't want it to be true because if that were the case you would accept the help we have tried to get for you. I guess it makes sense, given that the old you would never make the decisions you are making now.
You have to be sick, because choosing a substance over family doesn't seem like something a healthy person would do. What gets me though is, you chose this life in the first place. You made the decision that put you into this lifestyle of yours, and it makes me mad. It makes me mad that you would do that to yourself. You had such a big heart and somehow, like the Grinch, it got ten sizes too small.
Do you think of me? Do you remember calling me Neicy or Neicykid, because I am was your first niece? Do you remember the memories we've made? I do, they haunt me in my sleep each day that passes that I hear you made another poor decision. Remember going to my cousin's ice hockey games? I do, we took a selfie during the last one I went to. The caption on Facebook was something along the lines of "my beautiful niece, the only one that would bare this cold with me". I still have that photo, every once in a while I save it to my phone. Then I delete it, then save it, then delete it again. How can I hold on to something like that, knowing we will never be that close again? I remember another time, when we went out for my cousin's birthday. I have those pictures too. We watched the planes pass by and we ended up in some fancy restaurant underdressed. We were the only ones in that restaurant and none of us had any idea how to act in such a place.
I remember all kinds of little moments and hold them dear to my heart. We spent a lot of time together, hanging out and talking about anything and everything. I wish those moments meant as much to you as they did to me. I wish you knew how I really felt. I'm scared for the day my phone goes off because you overdosed and couldn't be saved this time. I'm scared for the day you hurt or kill someone because you were high. It's hard for me to accept that this is who you are now, and I probably never will.
You were my aunt once. At one point in my life I had you, but now I am grieving over a person that is still living. You missed out on a lot of beautiful nieces and nephews. Your loss.