Breaking News!!!!!

A group of devout Christians are freaking out about the new Starbucks cups! We’ve all heard about it. Christians are some of the most charitable people you’ll ever meet. I can only assume that they have been emptying their pockets on a daily basis to help this struggling business called Starbucks stay afloat out of the goodness of their little Christian hearts. How could Starbucks turn their back on some of their most loyal customers? Christian’s donations and business basically built their establishment from the ground up, not to mention the huge part Christian missionaries played in their global expansion. Yep that’s right, missionaries have been opening Starbucks' in first world countries for years so even the poorest, most malnourished, war shaken communities can have a taste of that white middle class lifestyle and consume at least one Venti Vanilla Bean Frappuccino every morning for the rest of their lives . Hundreds of Syrians have been reported to be going through the Starbuck’s drive-thru recently built by The Big American Church of Christ moments before boarding boats and making the life threatening journey to the shores of Greece and Turkey. All Christians asked of Starbucks this winter season was that Jesus Christ’s face appeared on every Starbucks cup, surrounded by his disciples, egg nog, Christmas Tree’s, 7 crosses and little tiny elves, for the few Holiday months. The fact that Starbucks didn’t find this PC, after everything Christians have done for them, ridiculous! What will they do with this constant urge to give, now that they will be boycotting Starbucks for the rest of their lives and will have nothing to do with the $6 they used to donate every morning to this business in need?! Furthermore how will Starbucks survive?

Well I have a few ideas for Christians this Holiday season

1. Buy your presents at local businesses. Ever since the monopolization of corporations like Starbucks, local businesses have been struggling to stay afloat in today’s economy
2. Donate that $180 you would have spent every month to a different charity or organization. Need some ideas? Syrian Crisis, North African Crisis, EU Refugee Crisis, Haiti, Local Homeless shelter, orphanages around the world, Low-Income schools, Cancer Research Centers etc…
3. Give the $6 dollars you would have spent one day to a homeless man and you might give him a warm meal or a place to stay for the night during these chilly months
4. Make a donation to the local college. America’s education is slowly slipping lower and lower on the international list and student debt of millennials is at an all-time high.
5. Buy 180 $1 toys from the dollar store and donate them to children in need
6. Pay for 3 whole months of recycling services from the city with all the money you would have spent at Starbucks and cut down on your emissions and help keep this earth clean (assuming you believe in global warming)
7. Go to the store and buy a shovel and shovel all the sidewalks and driveways in your neighborhood out of the goodness of your heart
8. Buy one dog or two cats every month from the Humane Society and maybe you will put a dent in the number of homeless animals in the U.S.
9. Spend all the money you would have spent to hire various entertainment groups to perform at the local old folk’s home considering Senior citizens are some of the most forgotten around the holiday season.
10. There’s a group of local Christians making a big stink about some silly cups. Use the money you would have spent and design your own thermoses. Starbuck’s will fill them for you, assholes.