When all your friends are girls, like mine are, at some point, you probably all sit around and talk about your futures. For many women, the future involves a wedding and family. It's amusing to hear people talk about what kind of wedding they want and how many children they'd like to have (although it can get weird if the details are too specific. Come on, you really know what kind of tablecloths you want at your reception? You're 20 and have no significant other. Chill).
When the conversation turns to me, however, that's when things start to get awkward. Someone inevitably asks, "So, how many kids do you want, Claire?" Oh, boy. How do I put this gently? "Um, none?" I reply. I'm so nervous that it comes out as more of a question than a statement. Immediately, I see a "Does Not Compute" sign flash across their faces. It's amazing to me that despite how far we've come in terms of gender equality, women still get shamed for saying they don't want kids. Don't believe me? Well, here are some things I have been told when I say I'm not going to reproduce:
"Is it because you're in a wheelchair? You know there are other options: adoption, surrogacy..."
To be honest, being wheelchair-bound did impact my decision. I'm a fairly small person, and being nine months pregnant while always in a sitting or lying-down position would be difficult. Throughout the 20th century, disabled women and women in other marginalized groups underwent forced sterilization in order to "better the human race." In a way, I suppose I should be grateful that you consider me worthy of motherhood despite my disability. So, thanks, I guess. However, my wheelchair isn't the only reason I don't want to have kids. While I'm aware of the alternative options and am happy that they exist for those who want children but cannot have them otherwise, the fact of the matter is that I don't like kids.
"So, you hate kids?"
Not exactly what I said, though it's kind of true; children tend to make me uncomfortable. As I said in a previous article, children often point, stare, and ask me intrusive questions when I'm out in public. What's worse, their parents do nothing to educate them or discourage that type of behavior. Can you see now why I'm child-averse?
"But it would be different with your own kids!"
Maybe, maybe not. I'm not willing to take that risk. How could I take care of a child when I need aides to take care of me? I'd need two sets of aides then: ones for the kid and ones for me. Besides, I wouldn't know how to interact with an able-bodied child. I can't run or jump; I can't get down on the ground to play Barbies or trucks or whatever with them; they'd have this never-ending internal drive, and I'm exhausted by 8:30 p.m. some days. As I watched them learn to roll over, sit independently, crawl, walk, and eventually drive, I'd be jealous because they'd achieve all the developmental milestones that I never did. It would be a painful experience, rather than a proud one.
"Are you going to hate my kids?"
Assuming you raise your kids up to be decent human beings, then no. You can raise them to be understanding and accepting of difference. Since I care about you, I'd make an effort to be nice to your children, although I wouldn't hesitate to tell you if they were being jerks. When they get to be moody, cynical teenagers, I would happily take over the adulting duties, because that's me 90 percent of the time.
"Aw, don't say that! Someone will love you!"
I'm sorry, what part of "I don't want kids," translates to "I'm going to die alone?" I mean, it's not that I don't think about it at times, because my self-esteem is mediocre at best, and it's nice that you're not assuming I'm asexual, but I really don't need your pity. Thanks!
"Your ideas will change once you meet the right person."
I think relationships that completely alter someone's personality and opinions only happen in movies—really crappy rom coms, to be exact. To me, if a relationship has the same effect as a lobotomy, that's a sign that it's probably unhealthy. Also, you must not know me very well, because I don't change my beliefs for anyone.
"If you say you don't want kids, it'll be harder to find 'the One.'"
Clearly, you don't read my articles, because if you did, you'd know that I don't believe in sappy concepts like that. If I state my position and that's not what they're looking for, they're welcome to leave. As far as I'm concerned, it's better to get this stuff out of the way early on in a relationship, so that way you know if you're compatible or not.
"You're so young to say such a thing! You'll want them when you're older, you'll see."
I didn't say I was going to go out and do anything permanent, like get my tubes tied or get a hysterectomy. (Though it would be nice to not bleed once a month.) If I change my mind down the road, that option is still available. However, please don't invalidate my opinion because of my age; it's patronizing and annoying.
"Your parents must be so disappointed. Don't they want grandchildren?"
Actually, my parents are fine with my decision, so ha ha, your guilt trip failed! Even if they weren't okay with it, it's my body; therefore, it's my decision and mine alone.
"What if your mother had felt the same way about children that you do now?"
I actually feel incredibly guilty that my mom gave up her career, her life, to take care of me. I know she hadn't counted on having a disabled child, and sometimes I think her life would be easier (better) if she didn't have me. I know that she herself doesn't feel this way, but that doesn't stop me from periodically wishing things were different. So, I guess I wouldn't blame her if a younger version of herself didn't want me. Thanks for bringing up one of my biggest insecurities. Also, if I weren't born, I wouldn't even be aware of my non-existence. Life has existed for thousands of years before I came along, so your argument is invalid.
"You're being selfish."
No, having a child that I knew I couldn't physically or emotionally care for would be selfish. I'm making a life choice that's best for me, and that's nothing I should be ashamed of. The fact that you're attempting to insult me for choosing something that has no effect on you whatsoever is rude.
"Don't you want to leave something behind?"
Yes, of course! That's why I'm a writer. People die, but words and the internet live on forever! There are many different ways to leave a legacy: through children, yes, but also through actions and creations. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to do it one or both ways.
"Are you saying this because you're a feminist?"
Sadly, yes. When I decided that I wanted to be a feminist, my initiation ceremony involved signing a contract in blood, promising that I would never get married, have children, or participate in any other sort of gender-normative activity. Afterward, we slaughtered a goat as an offering to the virgin Greek goddess Artemis. If I break the oath, my feminist sisters will attack me, female "Fight Club"-style.
Oh, in case you weren't aware, that was sarcasm. Feminism means, at least in part, that women should be able to do what they want. If a woman wants to get married and be a stay-at-home mom, that's cool, as long as she chose that for herself. Any feminist who says that all women have to have a career in order to be "empowered" is doing it wrong. Remember that someone has to have children, or humanity would cease to exist! I respect all women's choices, so please respect mine.
"But you still want to get married, right?"
Not necessarily. I dream about my perfect career the way some women dream of their perfect wedding. Honestly, it's just not that important to me. If anything, I'd have a quick, justice-of-the-peace ceremony, and I'd spend a ton of money on an amazing honeymoon.
When it comes to judging someone else's life decisions, just don't. You won't tell me anything I haven't already heard or any counter-argument that hasn't already been tried. The bottom line is that the only one who can decide what to do with my body is me. I'm not asking you to like it, but I am asking you to accept it.
