Growing up I was always the girl who wanted the attention. Preschool concerts, dance recitals, the schoolroom, the Sunday school room, the cheer team. I grew up in a home that was growing to find their walk with God and figure out their own struggles and situations.

And when I was around 7-years-old we as a family walked down to the river with some other families that went to the church and I watched my dad walk into the river and get dunked into cold water and we clapped. Afterward, I got to go swimming and boating. It was just another fun day at the river. A year later I was asked if I wanted to get baptized and I said heck yes! I mean I get to stand in front of a group of people and I got my five minutes of fame.

I did the act physically, but emotionally and mentally and spiritually there was definitely a disconnect. I felt almost famous when I told people I was baptized. But soon after, I entered those annoying teenage years and I made sure I did everything I could to rebel against the church while also keeping an act of the "sweet, innocent, church girl". It was all an act. And I played that part really well.

But internally I was so lost. I hated God. I was in pain and I felt alone and like no one could understand what I was going through. Heck, even I didn't know what I was feeling. I felt like I was overreacting and so the act continued.

Until one night I felt like I was at the lowest of lows and didn't want to take it anymore. And I felt like I would be judged and deemed as weak or immature if I told anyone about any of this.

I felt like the embarrassment and shame that could come from people finding out that 1. I wasn't a virgin. 2. I was getting drunk or high any chance I could. 3. I cut myself and did my best to avoid food and worshipped the gym. There's more to the story but cutting to the point, I was so scared of the judgments I thought would happen, and I didn't want anyone to go through that and so I tried to take my own life.

Then that night I remember crying to God, this thing I had for so long tried to run from and hate. And at that moment I thought about my little sister and parents and my family. I thought about what would happen to them if I left. For just a short instance I forgot about the cares of the world and just focused on them. And I felt peace. I couldn't leave them. And this peace, man I can't explain it. But I decided to have the faith of a mustard seed that the church would sometimes talk about. I decided to try my best to learn more about this feeling and trust the God that saved my life.

For the 5 years since then, I have learned that it wasn't an instant change. Life didn't get easy right then and there. And for a long time, I still played the act as the innocent church girl.

Now at 22-years-old, about to graduate college I have been thinking about getting baptized again. But this time not for myself or my 5 minutes of fame. But for God's fame. For a week leading up to Easter, I knew I was going to get baptized at the Easter service at my church that I started attending shortly after that life-changing night when I was a teen.

That week leading up I had many moments where I tried to give myself excuses for not doing this. But I very quickly realized that these were excuses that were trying to pull me further away from my faith, my hope, my life, and God.

I was baptized at the age of 22 on Easter Sunday and though the day has come and gone, this moment will live forever in my heart and I will cherish it.

Having a faith in God is not easy and I'm sorry if you have ever asked me "If God is all loving and all-powerful, why does he let bad things happen?" And I didn't have a solid answer.

I think of the school shootings and terrorism in America and all over the world, and the natural disasters and all that is wrong with the world and the question even is sometimes hard for me to think about. It's a hard question but I know for myself, I find a joy and hope when I think about what God has done for me. It's not all easy. I've made mistakes and I've struggled through addictions and sometimes still find myself struggling with them. I even ask myself the same question you asked me. But God is still faithful to me and he loves me.

I'm still learning and growing in my faith and life. I don't have all the answers but I strive to be a person of hope and love. Making others smile in just everyday life.

Now you may read my very vague piece of testimony and think; "this girl doesn't know what real pain is." "She's never really struggled." Or you may think the opposite. But the thing is no matter where you stand or what your life story is, it is of value. Don't let the world define you and rate you based on your past. Because God doesn't. Your life is valuable and you are important.

If this article did nothing else but take a couple minutes from your day I hope the thing that you get out of this is that; God does love you. Even when you push him away or hate him, he loves you. You are created in His image and that is beautiful. If you are lost and hurting reach out to someone. Don't hold it inside. And as a believer and follower of God, my job is not to judge you or condemn you. As a Christian, my job is to do my best to love you and to listen.

If you or someone you know is hurting or is considering suicide please don't hesitate to talk to someone. You are not alone and you are loved.

Suicide Lifeline:

(800) 273-8255

Or text 273TALK to 839863