Unless you know for sure that kids are not in your plans (notice I said “yours”, not God’s), you’ve probably already thought about your future kids. Whether you just think of yourself as being a parent some day (maybe even far off in the future) or you know what your kids’ names are going to be.
For me, it’s the latter. I’ve always known that I want to be a mom and carry my own children. Within a few months of dating my now husband, we had four names picked out and, since then, those names have stuck!
A little more back story… my husband and I started dating in late 2015 and were married by late 2018. By October of 2020, we were ready to have kids.
I started thinking about everything we would need, a new budget to fit in a baby, child care, my birth plan… all of it. If you know me, you know that when I get excited about something, I plan and prepare and I just can’t help myself.
Never did I imagine that we would be two years in and still without a baby. Like any other battle or disaster in life, we never think it will happen to us.
Two whole years of thinking “maybe this will be the time.” “Maybe this time I will get that positive pregnancy test.”
Here is what they don’t talk about. The struggle with infertility doesn’t start after one year of trying. For most, it starts the moment you get that first negative test or the moment Aunt Flo comes to visit after hoping she wouldn’t. That was me.
The first four months, I remember the utter disappointment after convincing myself that “this is the time!” After four months, the emotional battle real. I cried every month and it consumed my every thought. A pregnancy announcement would bring me to tears. The sight of parents and their newborn (or child) would almost break me. Doubt, hurt and anger were starting to consume me.
But it wasn’t considered “infertility” yet because it hadn’t been a year yet, so I didn’t talk to anyone about it due to fear that it would be seen as “overreacting.” I was so alone and those emotions were building up and I was almost to my breaking point.
I’m here to end that fear and generalization that if you are within your first year of trying to get pregnant, you can’t talk about the emotional struggle. I’m here to say that you should not be alone or afraid to talk about your infertility struggle at any stage of your journey.
I am so beyond blessed with a family (blood and Church) and friends that lays hands on my husband and I, prays for us, and continues to encourage us in this waiting season. They continue to remind us of the truth that, as “cliche” as it is and as hard as it is to hear sometimes, God’s plan and timing is perfect.
In the waiting, I have learned how important is it to have a community that will pester the Lord on your behalf, be there for you when you need it most, and point you back to the One who loves us.
“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” - Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
Y’all, this infertility battle is not easy, but I am so grateful for my community and for a good, good Father that provides me with strength and peace and goes to battle for me daily. It’s a constant struggle and I have to choose every day to give it to the Lord. It’s not my battle to fight and I could not handle it on my own.
“Cast all of your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.” - 1 Peter 5:7
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” - Philippians 4:6-7
If you are struggling with infertility, even if it is not labeled “infertility” yet, find your community! Don’t go through this journey (or any journey, for that matter) alone! Talk about it with others. We NEED people. And I would be glad to be a part of your community. I pray that you find your community. I pray you find strength and peace in the Lord and that you rest in Him daily.
Don’t ever forget, you are never alone.
Love and God bless,