Do you remember that gem of a film called Sky High that came out in 2005? The movie was centred around a high school for kids with superpowers, and the students were all divided into ‘heroes’ and ‘sidekicks’. The heroes were the ones with the neat, rad, classic powers like super strength and invisibility and flying and all of that fun stuff. The sidekicks, on the other hand, had pleb powers like glowing in the dark or shapeshifting exclusively into a guinea pig.

So, in the spirit of unremarkable powers, here’s a list of the most dreadfully mediocre superpowers that I can think of.

  • Being able to add exactly two more polka dots to any surface which already has polka dots
  • The ability to bring bugs back to life
  • Incredible super-strength, but only for three minutes every Tuesday
  • Perfectly accurate tree-age detection
  • You can understand animals, but only when they say the word “food”.
  • The ability to make other peoples’ kidneys invisible
  • The ability to make other peoples’ kids invisible
  • Being able to tighten straps to the perfect length on the fourth try
  • Awareness of where anyone called Dan is at any given time
  • Being able to perfectly spell words in languages which you don’t actually understand
  • To know whether or not there is a stove on within a mile radius of you
  • The ability to remove the wrinkles from crumpled crisp packets
  • Being able to turn any object exactly three degrees anticlockwise
  • To actually get a nickel every time someone said “if I had a nickel for everytime….”
  • To know exactly where all of the missing socks went

Could you save the day?