Sometimes I don't feel like enough. enough women enough energy enough smiling enough empathy enough of a mother enough of a kind gentle person enough of a friend and even enough of a hard worker enough motivation and resilience enough strength or enough beauty.. sometimes I feel just like my existence has no real meaning. That I am just here everyday putting myself back together from all the mess that was either created before or that I've created myself.. I get lost in thought and overwhelmed with the idea that what if I never amount to anything? What if all those plans I had all that ambition and drive I had as a child wistfully dreaming that someday.. someday I could become anything I wanted.. what if that never happens? I realize those were dreams I had as a little girl but why, why can't I still pursue those dreams I had as a wide eyed little girl, fearless and free... no worries careless and blissfully wild.. a dreamer as I once was.
I get scared and think back to those times where I had no regrets no real worries or responsibility and I wonder where did the time go? How at 24 years old have I not accomplished anything that wide eyed blissfully wild little girl with her big dreams and big plans thought she would.. is it too late? Have I let time fly right on past me without even realizing the consequences that lie ahead.. how, how did I blink and suddenly I'm a grown women.. fighting to put the pieces of her life together one day at a time dealing with depression letting my PTSD and anxiety control all the aspects of my life destroying relationships like a twister in its path every chance it can get.. my mental illness consuming parts of me and not being able to control my own thoughts my OWN feelings.. becoming a basket case and losing myself all at once, numbing the pain with drugs and watching them erase the Elexus I once knew deteriorating my body and mind.
I am my own worst enemy..
All the relationships I've had I've destroyed them on my own. I've let everything get in the way of who I wanted to become I stopped believing in my self and started wanting everyone to believe in me for me I've lead myself in everyone else's hands and I've let them carry the weight of everything I've encountered over the years. I've become selfish and self centered I feel like apart of me just wants to be seen apart of me just wants someone to genuinely care and just help me past this part of my life. But I am not even enough for me so what makes me think I'll ever be enough for anyone. I have ruined everything good that's ever happened to me. I am a walking caution sign.
I feel like the world is out to get me or maybe I just do it to myself. Maybe all the things I'm scared of could make me stronger if I just let it. But I don't. I let everything come out and explode all
Over the place. I walk around on egg shells and I assume the worst out of every situation. I am not a saint. I am not perfect I am the problem too. I never wanted it to be poor pitiful me that's never what I intended I just... crave love. I crave to be wanted to be treated like I'm something because everything I've ever known has torn me apart, and I don't know how to put myself back together.
I just want one person to see inside this mess and try hard enough to let me see the sunshine I lost so long ago, I know I know I need to love myself.. but why can't someone just accept me for me. Why can't someone love me enough and then maybe I'll find the courage to love myself the same way. Because I am a hurricane, isn't it funny how they name them after women? Well I'm the prime example. What I touch turns to ash, when I feel I feel all of it and I release a wrath even I can't bare to stand. I destroy myself. I wish someone would understand how bad it feels to hate yourself. To hate who you are, your existence. I don't want to be this hurricane. I don't want destroy everything in my path. I don't want to live in fear that I am not worthy of love because I don't know how to love myself. I want to be a better person. A better woman. But not one person loves me long enough to see through all the mess I've created with in myself and how I'm scratching at the surface screaming for help.
I don't want pity. Those are not my intentions, I want love. I want love within who I am, with how I live life, with how I treat others, I want someone to see the little flower that's crying for sunlight just to help it bloom. I don't know when or where or how or why or really much of anything. But I do know I just went the chaos with in me to stop. I want the eye of the hurricane to be calm. no one not one person understand the pain of hating your whole being and wanting to change every aspect of who you are as a person just to be enough for even yourself for everyone.
Somewhere inside me that little girl with those big dreams is alone in the dark. Begging to see the light at the end of this hurricane.