From very early on, I was the girl who never believed in herself. Everyone told me that I was going to do great things, and I had a very strong future ahead of me. I always said thank you, but didn't believe them. I have always set high goals for myself to achieve. I never thought that I would achieve them, but I still set them and was surprised when I reached these goals. I always doubted myself.

For many years, I have suffered with depression and anxiety. It was the worst when I was about 17 years old. This was when my eating disorders and self-harm began. I was in a dark place always wondering if I would ever feel anything. It was as though I had no feelings and just stared through people, didn't feel sad about things, couldn't feel any pain. I felt NOTHING. I was ruining friendships, I was shutting out my family, I was pushing away anyone that cared about me. I felt it was easier to distance myself from others than try to explain my nothingness to them.

The eating disorders really started to surface around 18 years old. Through this, I still felt nothing. It became a natural thing for me to do, and I thought nothing of how it was and would later affect my body. I no longer felt human. I just felt lost. I wanted to feel some sort of pain, I just didn't know how to feel this pain. That's when the self-harming began. I cut my legs to see if I could feel any sort of pain, I felt nothing. I felt numb. I was going out drinking with friends multiple times out of the week to feel something, and still, nothing. I just wanted to feel something again. I didn't want to feel this way, but I didn't know what to do. I didn't feel like I could get better and like I was stuck where I was. I knew I needed help, but how could I ask anyone for help? I pushed almost everyone away. How do you ask for help from someone when you can't even explain how you feel?

At my all time low, I weighed 98 pounds, yet I thought I was still "too big" or I didn't look "good enough". I had cuts and scars all over my legs. Who would want a girl like me? I was a mess. I felt weak and like I was a failure to all those who cared about me, even though I was the only one who knew what I was putting myself through.

I needed help. I was mentally unstable. I had confided in someone I thought I could trust about what was going on, and they started telling others we knew that I was crazy. They were telling others everything I thought about myself, but hearing it from someone else made me believe it was true. I was hurting myself in ways I never expected I could or would.

I finally decided it was time to confide in my family. They wouldn't judge me, right? They were the most supportive I could ever expect anyone to be. All I could think was, "Why didn't I ask for help earlier?"

I still battle with my inner thoughts every single day. Each day I wonder if I am going to be "good enough" for all those around me. I wonder if I am going to achieve what I know I can do without any struggles or feel like a failure if I don't complete what I think needs to be done. Every day I worry about my weight and if I look okay in the clothes that I wear. I have a constant voice in the back of my head of negative things. I do what I can to replace them with the positive, but they are always there in the background when I am doubting myself.

I covered my scars with a dream catcher and feathers as a reminder to myself to always have big dreams and to fly high to reach those dreams. I was told that I am strong and a fighter. I was told that I am a warrior. I don't see this in myself. What I did was all a decision I decided to put myself through. I wasn't sick with any disease, I wasn't a warrior. However, metal illness is a health condition that shouldn't go unrecognized. It changed me in terrible ways. I realized that I was a fighter. I fight every day with the voices in my head. I fight every day to get out of bed and be successful.

I know that no matter what I go through, I can always grow stronger. I know I will still struggle and have my hard days, but knowing I have people that care about me on my side cheering me on in different ways to keep pushing, I know I will always be okay and push to be the best version of myself.

I AM A WARRIOR.