I've been thinking about relationships a lot lately. Maybe it has to do with the end of another loveless school year, maybe it's the myriad of sappy rom-coms I've indulged in since being home, or maybe it's the constant bombardment of societal pressure to find a partner before I'm past my prime and unfit to be wed. Who knows? Whatever the cause, love (or the lack thereof) has been on my mind.
Just as many college girls do, I recently experienced the Freshman Fling (noun): a whirlwind romance (note: can be one-sided), usually experienced within the first six months of college with a really douchey guy, that ends abruptly and causes heartbreak in one or more of those involved; a crappy experience. My freshman fling left me intensely upset and severely discouraged. I was unlovable. Incapable of maintaining a relationship. I couldn't find anybody I clicked with even on a campus of thousands of people. Nobody would ever want to be with me and I was going to die alone. Or maybe with a cat to ease the pain of rejection.
Thankfully, my parents are much more sensible and objective than I am and came through once again with that parental wisdom they seem to have acquired over the decades. While I've ignored their advice for years, I figured I was in no position to claim I didn't need a few pointers. Plus, what they said was pretty good. They lectured me a little bit about life, and then about love. Below are some of the most important points of their lesson:
1. You're not gonna find a needle in a haystack when you're looking through piles of manure.
This one came from my dad, and while it should be obvious, I never really thought about the importance of this idea until he said it out loud. Essentially, he told me that finding a person who checks all the boxes for a good partner can be difficult, but it's nearly impossible when you're not looking in the right places. You're (probably) not going to find the love of your life in a drunken haze at a frat party or in the dark corner of some dusty bar or on a random sidewalk. Find a place that lights your heart on fire. Find an organization that exemplifies your morals and ideals. Find a group of people that draws out the very best in you and start there. It may take longer to form those relationships than a quick moment downtown, but it's much easier, in the long run, to find what you're looking for when you're in the right spot.
2. You can't change who a person is at their core.
This one came from my mom. I spent a lot of time trying to make things work with people who didn't quite meet the mark. Maybe they weren't as kind to me as I would have liked. Maybe they had some habits that I knew would drag us both down. But in the back of my mind, I always believed that somehow, if I tried hard enough, I could change them for the better. Unfortunately, the hard truth is that you can't change people who don't want to change. Staying in a less-than-stellar relationship because you believe that your partner will eventually come around is incredibly unproductive. You can't force someone to grow, and hoping for anything different will do nothing but make you unhappy.
3. Love is necessary, but not sufficient.
This one actually came from some psychologist/talk show host on the radio like six years ago, but my dad is the one who liked it enough to pass it on to me. I've heard a lot of people say that love is all that is needed to make a relationship work, but I don't know if I agree. Love is an essential, binding force, but it's not the only thing needed in the long run. Similar values, morals, and life views are also factors people fall back on to strengthen a relationship. When two people have two completely different ways of seeing the world, it can be really tough to make it through difficult situations on love alone. Love is simply one piece in the puzzle, not the entire thing.
Dating is hard, let alone finding a person to date. Just know that if you feel hopelessly inept at relationships, you're not alone! Lots of us (i.e. me) are in the very same boat, but we're all going to be okay. Just trust the process and enjoy the ride. And if all else fails, try getting a couple of cats. I can't promise much, but it's worked for me so far.
