Let me be honest with you: I don’t know how to start this. I don’t know how to even begin a conversation like this. I’ve never had to outright come out and inform people of a part of my identity.
I guess it’d be best to lead with a reminder. A reminder that the words that live here in this article are ones that have lived with me for a long time. Too long, even. The number of times I have heard these sentences reverberating in my head, and the number of different emotions that have bubbled up inside me while thinking about this, are numbers I lost count of a long time ago.
When I was younger, LGBT+ representation came in the form of punchlines and prompts for the laugh track on sitcoms. It wasn’t something we learned about in social studies. It was something that plagued Ross Geller’s love life in the early seasons of Friends. It was something my great-grandma mentioned in passing about Ellen DeGeneres. It was the assumption that all the lesbians in my high school were a group of “weirdos” that all dated each other. It was an anecdote I still tell about my first real boyfriend coming out as gay six months after we broke up. It was something I hadn’t seen be taken seriously until Callie Torez outright said she was bisexual on Grey’s Anatomy.
Sexuality was something I learned about in pieces on the internet among posts about Harry Potter and One Direction. It definitely wasn’t something discussed in small rural high schools, not even in raunchy bus conversations we swore to our parents never happened. In my experience, there isn’t really a place outside the internet to talk about sexuality without fear of judgement or ignorance. That’s why I’m here, writing all this in a digital article that can be commented on and shared, but never twisted or altered by any of you. And for some reason, that comforts me.
Okay, here we go.
My name is Kaci Kidder.
I am 20 years old.
And I am pansexual.
Pansexuality means loving someone regardless of gender. When I love someone, I love their soul. I love their laugh. I love how excited they get about their favorite things. I love the passion they have for their hobbies. I love the jokes they tell and the things they find funny and the songs they sing in the shower. I love who I love, and it doesn’t depend on gender. It depends on personality.
Pansexuality is a valid sexuality. It does not make me selfish, or greedy, or indecisive. It is not a pretentious label for bisexuality. It is not something made up for attention. It is an identity I relate to and feel very comfortable with, and that is all that should matter.
This is the scariest thing I’ve ever done, sharing these words with all of you in such a public way. I’ve read so many horror stories of people pushed away by friends and family members, those who swore to love them unconditionally, due to not agreeing with such a small facet of their existence. But if me facing this fear and choosing to be my truest self can inspire someone in my position, someone who believes the hatred in other people’s hearts trumps the love in theirs, to push past the fear to find the unexpected love waiting for them on the other side, then the sweaty palms and racing heartbeat I’ve experienced while writing this very personal article will be worth everything. That will overshadow anything and everything negative that could be lobbed my way.
This isn’t a recent decision I’ve made, or one that was made lightly. This article took me a month to write, and I had been thinking about it a lot longer than that. This should in no way change the version of me any of you knew before reading these words. I am still me. This is just an extra part of who I am. The fact that I am attracted to people regardless of their gender does not change the memories we've made, or the things I've accomplished, or any other part of me. I am still a human being, trying to live my best life just like every other human being. So on the chance that you think my sexuality is a problem you can fix with a nasty comment or two, please take the time to consider whether or not a human being open to and capable of love actually needs fixing. And if this does make you see me in a negative light, I feel like that says a lot more about you than it does me. I am opening myself to love; don't make that the reason you open yourself to hate.
