Back in April, I wrote an article titled, I Like Hanging Out With You, But I Don’t Want To Admit It. This week, I’d like to revisit that article and the topic of vulnerability because there’s a lot more I need to say to you.

The other day, you admitted you liked me—past tense—and the reason why you stopped is because I seemed uninterested and like I didn’t care about you. That couldn’t be further from the truth. What you need to realize is that this is a two-way street. Ever since I came back to school, I’ve been mirroring your actions. I give back exactly what I receive so that I don’t get hurt. I do that sometimes. So when I felt you pulling away from me, I guess I started to do the same.

Understand that a lot has happened in my life this past year. While I still care about the same things, have the same interests, and love just as passionately, I’m much more guarded because of what I’ve been through. I think that’s where the line between me being cautious and seeming uninterested starts to blur.

There’s a reason why I initially distance myself from certain people, and it has everything to do with the fact that I don’t want to get hurt again. I build barriers that aren’t so easy to crumble in an attempt to protect myself and my sanity. It can take me months to trust someone and break down those barriers, but once someone gains my trust, they can almost guarantee they have it for life. Unfortunately, when those barriers break, that’s also when I become most vulnerable.

I used to think that vulnerability in situations like these equated to weakness. Vulnerability isn’t inherently bad, but I thought that by admitting my feelings, I’d be giving you the upper hand, therefore allowing you to decide exactly when to stop caring about me. I realize the logic there is somewhat flawed, but it’s happened to me before, so I couldn’t be too sure it wasn’t going to happen again.

I’m completely unsure about your feelings towards me right now. Maybe you still don’t like me anymore; maybe I’m too late. Regardless, I’m sorry that my past has affected your future. I just needed to know that I wasn’t making another mistake by trusting you. Unfortunately, in doing that, I might’ve missed out on an amazing opportunity. While there’s no way of telling whether or not you’ll hurt me, like everyone else, you say you’re different. But for some odd reason, I believe you. Assuming I haven’t missed my chance yet, I’m willing to navigate whatever this is and let the barrier crumble. Are you?