Over the recent school break, I lost someone very close to me. I lost my best friend and mentor. I have felt lost before, however, never have I felt it to the current extent I feel.

I have lived with depression for a very long time. I have lived with my anxiety for around the same amount of time. These things are something I am used to and can usually push my way through to a point. They may not "go away," but I can live my life with their presence around me.

In this moment of time, I feel like a numbing has taken over my body. I'm going through motions to get somewhere that I don't know the location of yet. I'm trying to find my way through without looking back and turning around.

I have ADHD, but that isn't why my focus is elsewhere. My focus feels like it is on blank thought. I don't even know what to have thoughts about.

In past situations, I avoided grieving. I didn't want to feel it, and I pushed it aside until it broke me. So, this is the first time I am feeling actual grief. I've seen the anger, the disbelief, and the sadness, but I have also seen how to be grateful for the opportunity to have a relationship with the person I have lost.

I used to make phone calls at least once a week, I used to make her the first visit I had when I went home. Now I don't have to do that. The worst feeling I have had so far after the initial loss is when I made a phone call to share exciting news, and the phone was disconnected. The realization that the contact in my phone was useless pained me.

My current status is where you aren't thinking of your loss, but you still feel an emptiness and like you're forgetting something. You aren't able to connect them together until you really dig into the emotions.

Some may worry about me for saying all this, but honestly, I know I'm going to make it through all of this. I lost my best friend, and if I was perfectly fine after that, something would be extremely wrong with me.

So yes, I'm lost right now, but I'll be back soon.