Since I can remember, I've always had aspirations to be famous. From performing shows in my living room, singing along to the radio and to the Land Before Time series, playing dress up, copying choreography I saw on television. I had performing in my soul long before I was aware of what I was doing.
I was convinced in my wishful young mind I was going to be an award winning star before I was 18. But life handed me many heavy blows before I was 18. I was sexually abused during my childhood and it wasn't until I was 15 when I started dealing with the aftermath. Anxious, traumatized, depressed, Hollywood was still on my mind, but I felt so vulnerable that my dreams of stardom were put on the back burner.
My anxiety got so increasingly bad that it seemed every little thing would set me off: somebody being rude to me, somebody cancelling on me, everything would either have me in tears or holding onto it forever. I didn't leave the house, staying safe in my room. The Industry requires thick skin, thick skin I had yet to gain. I was ultra sensitive, fragile.
I was painfully insecure: I had braces, glasses, bangs, acne, and my body slowly started developing its womanly curves. I always thought I was ugly, cursing out my reflection, always thinking I was fat, obsessing over wearing makeup outside of the house. I was awkward and just couldn't get comfortable in my body. Hollywood is obsessed with appearances and pictures will always be taken of you, whether you want it or not. Magazines photoshopping gorgeous women, then criticizing them for gaining weight, the mean comments on YouTube and social media calling them ugly and wishing they would die. Now that I'm older and more secure and comfortable with myself, I believe I can tune out most of the negativity. As an insecure teenager, the bullying and criticism would've eventually gotten to me and I hate to think what would've happened to the impressionable me.
If I had been famous then, I most likely would've ended up an out of control child star: partying with celebrities I admired, having public meltdowns, letting my anxieties cancel appearances, my insecurity leading to me compromising my image. I probably would've walked out during concerts (Axl Rose style), go on unapologetic, scandalous rants on Twitter. It's safe to say God was doing me a favor not making me a celebrity that young.
At my 16th birthday party, I was incredibly anxious, sensitive to every little thing. From people leaving early, people being rude, people not showing up, my sweet 16 was such a big deal to a dramatic teenager. I was singing at the party, and ended up kicking two people out of the party for being rude and trying to upstage me during my performance (drama queen, I know). I ended up pulling an Axl Rose and dropping the mic, storming off in tears. My friends comforted me and told me to sing again, don't worry about stupid boys being mean. After that pep talk, back up I went, singing through my glittery tears. Looking back, if I had been a celebrity at this point, the meltdowns like this would've occurred more often, way more publicly. I'm grateful now that this was my worst on-stage moment, hopefully it remains my worst (knock on wood).
I'm now 24, on medication to help my anxiety, comfortable with myself and my past, and have a much clearer mind. I still dream of being famous, and I'm worker harder than I ever have to make that happen. I want to be a bestselling writer, actor, rock pop singer/songwriter, and advocate for mental health awareness and bring awareness to sexual violence and domestic violence. Maybe all the turmoil I went through was to prepare me for the limelight, and if that's the case, then it was all worth it.